The Ugly Truth... or is it?

It’s after 11PM and I know morning will come quickly. But I want to put down in writing what has been brewing in my consciousness before too much time slips by and with it my thoughts. My brain is tired and slightly foggy from a long day so I pray now for the words to come and spill onto the paper like the healing rain that was so abundant at last night’s Alpha class.

But I’m jumping ahead.

First, there was this dream I had while napping between my routes early this week. In the dream I was driving my students, I’m not sure if we were on the way to school or on the way home. It doesn’t really matter actually. The bus was full with all the kids on board and my bus aide was entertaining them with engaging 4 and 5 year old conversation. I was approaching my left turn on a four lane road. Suddenly, in what seemed like the blink of an eye I became terrifyingly aware that I was no longer driving on the road but was in the grass on the opposite side of the road. A split second later I realized that I was on the stretch of road beyond my turn and I had no recollection of passing it or leaving the roadway. The seconds it had taken me to approach the turn, pass it and run off the road were as if they never existed. I glanced in the rear view mirror and my bus aide was in the seat behind me with a very concerned look on her face. Without thinking, I began to make excuses for why I was where I was. I blamed it on a blown tire as in the dream I could hear a flap, flap, flap sound. The reality that I very possibly fell asleep at the wheel was just too much for me to admit.

The instant guilt and shame that fell on my shoulders for putting my students in that kind of danger caused me to shrink and hide. And the fear that I would lose my job and the means to provide for my boys was sneaking into the equation as well. As I recovered and pulled the bus back onto the road, which had become a two way road after my turn, I became aware how lucky we had been that no other cars were around and that the grass we had run off into was flat and even with the roadway. But I was now off route and the choice I made to try and get myself back to where I needed to be led us to a dirt road with deep ravines on each side. The entire time I was still trying to form excuses in my mind as to why I had missed the turn, why I had left the road, and why I now traveled down a road that I was finding very difficult to stay on. I kept running off the road to my right. Now I was aware of what was happening but it felt like I had no control. Like when you are dizzy and your body pulls to one side uncontrollably. As this happened an alarm started going off in the bus. It was then I was pulled from my sleepy state back into my living room, laying on my couch as the oven timer beeped my cue to get up and go back to work.

You can imagine my relief to realize this had only been a dream. But I was still shaken. I can fairly certain ascertain the reason for the dream being my fear I will fall asleep at the wheel sometime when I am overly tired and my eyes are heavy, as I had been that particular morning of the dream. But that is not my reason for sharing this story with you.

What I thought about the remainder of the day, was how I automatically made excuses for my behavior, even in my dream. I didn’t come out and say “I made a horrible mistake”. I didn’t lay claim to the fault. My natural instinct in that split second that I became cognizant of my surroundings was to explain it away and to hide the ugly truth. A simple question formed. Why?

The simple answer lies in the book of Genesis. After Adam and Eve have eaten the forbidden fruit, what do they do? They make excuses. Genesis 3:11-13 says: And he said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?" The man said, "The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it." Then the LORD God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?" The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate."

It makes one wonder… is the tendency to cover up and hide, to make excuses for our behavior, to pretend to be someone we really are not, ingrained in us? Did God create us this way? If he knew all, did he not know that we (Adam and Eve and every descendant since) would choose to eat from the tree of knowledge and therefore become liars, pretenders, cheats to others and ourselves? Should we be ashamed of this ugliness in us? If it is truly a part of who we are, it is imprinted on our very beings, why do we hide? Why are we ashamed?

It seems that we as humans hide ourselves from each other. We see ourselves as ugly, inside and out. We don’t want others to see us for who we really are. We don’t want them to know that we have that imprint. And yet, every single one of us has the same imprint. We make excuses for why we are the way we are. We put on a smile when we really feel lousy. We isolate rather than reaching out. We bear the pain alone. We are ashamed.

And for the most part, we recognize the imprint only in ourselves. When we look to others, we perceive them as good, filled with qualities that we desire in ourselves. We strive unsuccessfully to make ourselves more like them. We fail to see our own unique good except in snips and bits and pieces. Like the imprint and ingrained predisposition to make excuses for our mistakes, we are also deeply imprinted with God’s image of goodness. After all, the tree of knowledge was of GOOD and evil. And Adam and Eve ate of it’s fruit.

The thing is, that God loves us just as much as he loved Adam and Eve. Even though this is who we are, the good, the bad AND the ugly, we are HUMAN. And as long as we continue to be human we will continue to make mistakes. We will hide and make excuses. When we can accept our humanness and know that we are God’s miracles, we can begin to live a life without shame.

But easier said than done! So, we have times like last night. Healing night at Alpha. The room was filled with minds, bodies and souls feeling the need to hide away our ugliness. With prayers and words, hugs and touches that could only come from one source, our great and mighty God, healing rained down. Small and huge steps were taken towards living without shame of who we are, what we are experiencing, the imprint of our humanness. Hearts reached out to each other. People came out of hiding, opening up like a beautiful rose after a long, cold winter. We were accepting and accepted. Loved as we are! Just like God intended.

Just as God created.

And not possible without him in our lives.

He Adores Us All

Sometimes when I write I have a specific topic in mind and I’ve been thinking about exactly what I want to say. Once I get started, it never goes quite as planned but I think quite often it ends up even better than I thought it would. Today I have no idea what I want to say so hopefully the words will flow and in the end maybe even I will have some answers and a better understanding of the complexities of life and people.

I know when someone attacks me (with words or actions) that most often it is done because they feel threatened in some way. I get that. I understand. But when someone attacks who has no idea of what I have been through it quite honestly makes me downright mad. For someone to assume that I am the root of all the problems, that I am somehow to blame for everything, that I am the one that caused chaos, it trips my trigger.

I know exactly why it trips my trigger. I know where it’s rooted. But I don’t know how to pull the weed. I know, of course, that I’m NOT what they have assumed. I’m not completely innocent, I had my part, but I wasn‘t the only part. God has so forgiven me. I don’t have to live with the guilt or the shame. I don’t have to carry that heavy load anymore. And yet they seem to feel they need to try to load that right back onto my shoulders.

I’m assured I’ve come a long way when I know I don’t have to accept that load. It’s not mine anymore. I’m free. I’ve been forgiven and I’ve forgiven. The past is the past. I can live for today. And my today is good. My today is exactly where I need to be. I am not sorry for where I am. And I am freed from where I’ve been.

As for you who feels the need to bring me down, the one who wants to play games and try to create trouble, it’s just not going to work. I am stronger than that. I don’t want to play with you. I’m sorry you are in your own uncomfortable spot. I pray you will find peace. And I hope the best for you. Really, I do.

God has done such miraculous work in me. I am so incredibly blessed and I know that I act from a pure heart. Every day the gifts that He has given me become more clear. I will strive to please Him. I will spend my days doing what I believe He has called me to do. I’m finally at a place where I can do that. I know how incredibly special I am and how very fond He is of me.

Living in a place where I’m comfortable in my own skin, I can now reach out to others and I’m loving doing that. Whether it be in day to day communication, leading an Alpha table, teaching a healthy relationships class, and hopefully before too long, becoming a training assistant for Break Through, I want to share the love that I now know. I want the world to experience it with me. Even with those who may not deserve it. Because in my heart I know that they really do, whether they have chosen me as the target for their pain or not.

God loves all his children. All of them! Each and every one. And God loves me!