The Pit

You walked to the edge and looked in. The promise of the ride of your life stared back at you. The promise of a happily ever after lured you in. You didn’t even think about it. You didn’t look where you were going. You just jumped. Feet first without looking back. We were there, watching you leave us.

The pit was so cleverly disguised with pretty flowers and butterflies. You were immediately blinded by the vivid colors, sweet aromas and the songs that must have been sung by an angel. Spellbound by the magic, you let yourself go. You let yourself fall.

You never even saw the muck and mire that held your feet fast, ever so slowly sucking you deeply into the depths. You ignored the snakes slithering around your ankles. What beauty, what love, what joy surrounded you. It’s all you could see. He laughs hysterically. He dances the devil’s dance. He knows he has you. As your feet sink deeper and deeper and the snakes strike at your legs you still choose to be blinded.

The young ones stand at the edge watching you. They are confused for they see the flowers but they also sense the snakes. They can’t understand why you jumped so carelessly. Why you didn’t consider them before you leapt. But I know. You’ve done it before.

Jumping looked like the easy way out. The disguise looked different from times past. Actually, he was really very, very clever this time, using your spiritual climb as a weapon in the form of an invitation. But the result is the same. You are trapped. Deep in a pit with the appearance of a heavenly place. After all, he doesn’t want you to figure it out until it’s too late.

Will it be too late for you this time? Will the muck and mire reach your mouth and nose before you realize where you really are? Will the snakes strike at your face, squeeze the very breath out of you, choke you before you begin the fight for your life? Will you fight for you life?

The young ones feel desperate to reach you. They wonder what they did wrong to make you turn away from them. They are torn between reaching their hands down to you in an effort to pull you out but also with the risk that they will be pulled in with you, and watching from the edge, hoping and praying you will just look up and see them. See the hurt in their eyes of feeling abandoned. See their need for your love and guidance and full attention. They aren’t ready to get up and walk away from the edge. They can’t follow me just yet.

Too many times have I been pulled down into that despicable pit with you. Too many times have I sat crying on the edge for you. Desperate for you to see me. Desperate for you to grab my hand so I could pull you to safety. The snakes have bitten my ankles, my legs, my torso. The mud has reached a dangerously high level on my body. I’ve always managed to scramble out. But the fight to freedom is never easy. What may have looked like an easy way out became a fight for my life.

Not this time. Not anymore. This is your fight now. When and if you choose to see the truth, my hand will not be there for you to grasp onto. I’m choosing the difficult path. The one that offers the greatest reward. It’s by far not easy. It’s by far one of the most treacherous and dangerous climbs possible. The risks are high. But I never travel it alone. Never!

As I travel this path, I know there will be times when I am exhausted, weary and worn down from the climb. The way will seem impossible at times, a sheer cliff before me with no hand holds. I might break down, give way to despair, beg to just give up. But He will be there for me. He will hold me as I rest. He will carry me to the top of the cliff. He will encourage me onward. And the vistas along the way, the incredible, breathtaking views of His glory will make every difficult step along the way worthwhile. And eventually, when the time is right, we will reach the top together. My ultimate reward will be waiting there for me. One I can’t even imagine. Greater than my mind is capable of thinking. More wonderful than my wildest dreams. He will bid me in. And I will go with Him.

Oh, how I wanted to make the climb with you. How I wanted to share the beautiful views with the one I so loved. But it’s time to make the journey alone now. I can’t wait any longer. He’s calling my name. I must go with Him.

Message for You

Having received this message twice today within minutes of each other, I thought perhaps I should share it with you. You may have seen it before... it is a great reminder for all of us!


This is God. Today I will be handling ALL of your problems for you. I do NOT need your help. So, have a nice day. I love you!

P.S. And remember…
If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do NOT attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in the SET ASIDE (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved in MY time, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do NOT hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

Questions

This past week has brought many ups and downs as you very well know. More downs than ups. I’ve had plenty to mull over in my mind. And I have so many questions. Questions for God mostly, and probably answers I may not ever know.

I’m the type of person who likes to “think” that I can figure things out, that I can figure people out, what makes them tick, what drives them, what leads them to fall. I like to believe that I have a sixth sense in a sort of way, perhaps a gift to read other people and know they have pain they are hiding, or that they feel worthless, or they have never experienced God’s huge love for them. And I want to help them. I want to share that love with them. I want them to be able to see their value in this life and beyond.

I suppose there is some sense of feeling in control when you “think” you know these things about others. What I am experiencing fully in this situation is the complete loss of control. This is reflected in my nightmares. Terrifying dreams that wake me up gasping for air, screaming, even praying out loud for my life. When I dreamed I was in a space capsule that was careening out of control and crashing, not only did my own screaming start bringing me to the surface but I began praying in my dream. My own voice woke me up as I realized I was actually praying out loud for God to save me. When I realized I was awake, I continued praying, by now the tears had come and the paralyzing fear of not having control had consumed me. I prayed out loud to God for half an hour at least. Words spilling out of me and slowly but surely I was able to come to a place where I could realize my value, where I could see that my God is a bigger God than the fear that had so gripped me. By the time I was able to slip back into sleep, I had also prayed for a lot of other people who need prayers as well.

Many people don’t understand why women who are abused go back to their abusers. They hear about and see the damage done by the abuse (only if the abused woman has come out of the closet so to speak), but they don’t see the Dr. Jekyll personality, the good side, that the woman fell in love with in the first place. Or many who know the abuser only see the Dr Jekyll side and have not experienced the Mr. Hyde side as the woman in the relationship has and therefore they think she is the crazy one, making it all up for sympathy, making it all up for attention. But I digress. What I want to get at, what I want to try and explain is why I specifically never gave up.
There is something in me that wants to believe in the best. The good side was there, and the good side was very worthy, very valuable, giving, loving, generous. When he didn’t have his walls up, when he wasn’t running from his fears, when he wasn’t transferring blame for the things he felt guilt about, he was the sweetest, kindest most loveable person I had ever known. When you experience that, you know that goodness exists in that person. You know it, you’ve seen it! You’ve felt it! But you also know that life has taught this person some cruel lessons, just as you have learned some yourself. As Mark Batterson says in his book “In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day”, “I think most of us are shaped, for better or for worse, by a handful of experiences. Those defining experiences can plant a seed of confidence or a seed of doubt, a seed of hope or a seed of helplessness, a seed of faith or a seed of fear.”

When the seeds that are sown in our lives lead us to feeling bad about ourselves, we use all kinds of defense mechanisms to hide the fact that we feel less than, that we feel worthless, that we feel not good enough. The abuser often uses transference to deal with these feelings. Make it the other persons fault. The person abused often takes on this blame and as a result feels even more worthless. We think we deserve where we are, the situation we are in. We don’t have the energy to fight our way out, because we learned early on that we aren't worth the fight.

Something inside of me not only wanted to fight for me, but it wanted to fight for him too. Something inside was telling me something different, not only was I worth it but he was too. I knew I had goodness somewhere. And I knew he did too. He had shown it to me, even if in just bits and pieces here and there, for periods of time that never lasted long enough.

After I experienced the wonder of God in my life and especially after I learned just how valuable I was to God during Break Through, I knew without a doubt that Bill was just as valuable to God as I was, no matter what mistakes he had made. No matter what mistakes I had made. I found forgiveness for him, for myself and knew that I was forgiven and set free by God. Call it that “gift” I felt I had, I knew that Bill did not forgive himself (and perhaps not me either) and until he could see and experience the same awesome love that God had for him he would be trapped. I’ve always known that no matter how hard I try, I can’t change him. Time and experience has allowed me to step back and let God do his work. Trust that God was doing His work. And while God was doing his work there, he was also doing his work in me.

Here is where I seem to have gotten tripped up. I felt God telling me he wanted our family back together again. This wasn’t something that was easy to accept, but I did always have that hope for Bill. I always had that dream that he would be set free from the chains that had defined him for so long. And IF he could be set free, than there was a possibility that we could restore our relationship. I went through ups and downs when I felt like God was telling me to reach out for Bill, to wondering if I was making it all up in my head and perhaps it was just my own hope.

If God really wanted me to get back together with Bill, why am I in this place of hurt right now? Didn’t God know this was going to happen?

If it was my hope and not God’s will, am I wrong to believe that Bill deserves to know God’s love? Is it crazy to believe that he can get there? And is it crazy to believe that if he were to get there, that he would want to share that with me, the one that I believe he does love, in spite of all the walls he’s put up to hide it?

Let’s go a step further. Bill and Alicia have expressed their belief that God put them both in that motorcycle class so that they would meet each other. Destiny so to speak. If that is true, if God intended for them to meet, didn’t he also know that I was going to get hurt? Did God want that? Or was it just an unintended consequence? Or perhaps, God is in actuality exposing me to one of my greatest fears by putting me right in the middle of it… my fear of being alone. If their meeting was destiny, is the lesson for me to face my fear of being alone? Is this the good that God is making out of the bad?

What if it wasn’t destiny? What if it was free will that brought Bill and Alicia together. Bill had the free will to make a choice. The grass looked greener over there. It was new and exciting over there. All the transference habits he had learned so well in the past kicked in and he was able to make all kinds of excuses for his behavior. Excuses for why leaving me was the right thing to do. Excuses for why choosing her without even knowing her was the right thing to do. Excuses for believing this is what God wanted him to do. Did God really want him to hurt me like that? Especially in the manner in which he chose to do it, with the lies and the betrayal. Did God want him to hurt his kids like that?

The thing is, God did know all of the above was going to happen. He knew the story from the beginning and he knows the ending. I do know that God will take what has happened and weave his magic into it. I will grow. I will develop a closer relationship with Him as a result. I will be able to reach out and help others in the future. I do believe that is what God wants me to do with this.

I will always believe that God can work a miracle in Bill. I will always believe that God can change his heart. But I have to let God do that. I have to let Bill be willing to let him do that. I have no control in that realm.

I will concentrate on what I do have control over. Me. In time I will forgive. In time I won’t hurt so much. In time I will let go completely. And as the questions without answers raise to the forefront of my mind, I will hand them over to God. And I will trust Him.

Mixed messages

I guess if I am to blog, I am only supposed to tell you about the good things. Forget being real. Forget the fact that my words just might help someone else out there who is hurting as well. Perhaps this is too public and perhaps yes there are those out there who wish to hurt me with my own words. But do I take that risk to help someone else find their way back to God?

I may be hurting right now, and I may be sharing my climb out of this publicly, but I am doing it with open eyes. Sometimes I'm ok, and sometimes I'm not. Are you going to tell me there's never been a time that you weren't ok? That everything didn't crash down around you? That you fought like heck to keep your head above the water? Isn't it when we are suffering the most that we need God the most? Isn't it those times that we grow in our relationship with him the most? So what is wrong with sharing that?

Would you prefer I start in the middle of the story, when things are so-so? Would you prefer I share the story from the end, when I've beaten the odds, when I've climbed the mountain? Or would you prefer I be real about what I'm feeling right now. Yes, people can see this. Yes, they may not all be people I would choose to see it. But I am trusting that God is in control. I have been given a gift by God, and if sharing my story publicly comes back and bites me, well then, it won't be the first time, now will it?

I'm sorry if I'm coming across as being angry. Perhaps I am angry. I'm getting mixed messages from people around me. I'm getting mixed messages from what I believed in the past and what I'm doing and believing now. And all this mixing is scrambling my brain. What it comes down to, is that I will continue to do and write what I feel like doing and writing. Your concern touches me and I appreciate it. Please continue to pray for me. I very much appreciate that too. Part of my journey is private, very private. That is the part between God and I, the part that you don't see, the part that I'm not ready to talk about yet.

I am going to be ok. I am going to climb the mountain. But I doubt I'll ever have it all figured out. That is not for me to know. But as I blog, perhaps some truths can be revealed not only to me but others around me as well. And if I can help just one person, than isn't it worth the risk? It may not be for you, but for me, it is. And that is enough for me to know.

A List

What I'm Not Doing or Having Trouble With:

• I'm not sleeping well, at all.
• I have no appetite but am forcing myself to eat
• I have no desire to clean the house, do the dishes, feed the cats
• I haven't looked at my mail in a very long time or paid the bills. I know atleast a couple of them are now late. I don't care.
• I'm having a difficult time caring about too much but surviving
• The laundry hasn't been done for 2 weeks
• The yard isn't mowed
• I haven't gone grocery shopping in a while except to keep the milk supply going
• I'm not putting the boys to bed on time
• I'm not cooking healthy meals for them
• I'm losing the battle with my tears, they come without warning, any time of the day or night
• I'm confused as to who to trust, including trusting anything I think God is telling me to do since the last thing I thought he told me to do kind of blew up in my face.
• I'm feeling sick to my stomach most of the time
• I can't forgive right now, I can't even form the words without crying
• I'm not always looking away, not always walking away, not always keeping my heart locked up and hard to that one person who has betrayed me. I'm slipping up from time to time and letting him have too much power over me.

What I Am Doing:

• I'm getting out of bed every morning
• I'm going to work
• I'm making sure the kids get their homework done (this one is iffy, depends on the day)
• I'm trying to nap between routes (this isn't working out too good for the most part)
• I'm walking/jogging for 30 minutes a day
• I'm blogging
• I'm reaching out to friends although some feel like I'm using the wrong mediums to do that. (What they don't know, is that it is huge for me to be able to reach out at all, no matter how I do it)
• I'm praying
• I'm reading the bible
• I'm still sitting in as a table leader in Alpha
• I'm exploring possibilities for additional help to get through this, i.e. counseling, Celebrate Recovery, prayer with others, Stephens Minister, etc.
• I'm taking my kids to the places they need to go, sports, practices, Camp Fire, etc.
• I'm being real
• I'm taking it one baby step at a time, sometimes crawling on my hands and knees, sometimes just rocking, but moving
• I'm realizing that by acknowledging that I feel like I want to give up at times, that I don't really want to do that. That I wouldn't ever do that.
• I'm reaching out to others who are hurting right now too so that we can lean on each other for support. No one can understand what you are going through better than someone who is experiencing the same thing.
• I'm praying scripture, and writing down scripture that stands out for me and I find meaningful.
• I'm crying, healing tears
• I'm feeling deeply rather than stuffing it down
• I'm hurting very very much
• I'm reaching for God's hand (when I can)
• I'm trying to let Him help me
• I'm crying out to him
• I'm praising him for the glimpses of light and for the darkness for I know I will grow stronger in my relationship with Him as we walk this path together
• I'm still finding love in my heart for my friends, for those who are willing to help, for my boys, for God, for those at my Alpha table, for the friends I've talked to lately who are hurting too, for the special needs kids on my bus, even for her and for him.

I suppose I may think of a few more thing to add to both lists or some new things might come up that could be added. But it's good for me to see that I am doing something, even though it feels sometimes like I'm just falling apart.

Blessings... Me

9.16.09 unable to sleep

Broken. Shattered like fine glass, shards scattered in a million different directions. How did I get here? I worked so hard to glue myself back together. So hard…years and years of soul searching, gathering pieces, matching them carefully, rearranging where the pieces just wouldn’t fit anymore. Some pieces never found, a few holes here and there. But not bad considering. Did I not glue it right? Perhaps I used the wrong kind of glue? It broke so easily. So violently, so completely. So quickly.

When you are laying on the floor and you can’t do anything… ANYTHING… but sob, where do you go? When you repeat senseless words over and over to keep from losing complete control, where do you go? When you don’t have the strength to reach out to God’s waiting hand, where do you go? What do you do? When all you can do is clutch His word to your chest, curled up in a fetal position, tears flowing freely for hours, how do you get up? When you are finally forced to get up because of life’s responsibilities, how do you hold it together? How do you hide?

All I have to do is reach and grab his hand. Hello! He’s holding me. He’s laying right here with me. His tears match mine, drop for drop. Even at the bottom, He is here. Even with the pieces scattered and the hopelessness that threatens to choke me out, He is here. If I just grab his hand, will the pain go away? If I just walk beside him, will I feel so alone? Why do I feel so alone? Why is the pain so all consuming?

I want to scream how unfair it is. I’ve tried so hard. I’ve given so much. And yet here I am at the bottom, fighting my way up AGAIN! AGAIN! AGAIN! What is wrong with me? Why do I fall so hard? So far? So painfully?

I don’t know how to let go. I just don’t. I am so broken Lord. Please, just fix me. I can’t do it. I can’t find the pieces. They’re strewn everywhere Lord. You see them. I can’t do it. I can’t do it. Please, Lord, please, just do it for me. Just let me let you do it for me. It’s been too long Lord. I’ve been through too much. Loved him too much. Show me the way out. Let me find a way out of the pain and the misery. Help me to find a way to live solely for you. You promised me that You are all I need. Help me to believe that.

Let me feel you Lord. Peace. I need peace and rest. Just for tonight. And then we’ll work on tomorrow when it comes.

Breaking Point

I made a horrible mistake. I clicked on her Facebook page completely expecting it to come up and say that I had to be her friend to see her page. It didn't. The first thing I saw was her relationship status: In a relationship.

With the man I love. With the father of my children. With the man I had so many dreams with. So many dreams for. And he doesn't love me.

I've hit breaking point. I've realized that I need some very, very close friends that will be willing to come over or let me call them at any time of the day or night when or if I hit this point again. There is some shame in having to call someone because you just want to end it all. So God please give me the strength to reach out.

How I just made it through my route I really don't know. I repeated words over and over and over and over again so I wouldn't think. So I wouldn't start crying uncontrollably again.

How I'll get through the rest of this day, I don't know. But I can't do this. I just can't do this.

Minute by Minute

Last night I was at Bunco with my bunco buds. I was fine the whole evening. And then for no reason at all I felt the sadness starting to descend on me. But I was still ok. We were almost done for the evening, actually just had one game left to go. And a friend asked me, "Did you talk to him (Bill) yesterday?" Nothing wrong with that question but the weight of the answer bore down on me like a ton of bricks.

I can't even look at him right now. I can't find forgiveness. I can't acknowledge his presence when he picks up or drops off the boys. I can't speak to him. It's not that I'm angry that I can't, it's just that I can't. The thought of looking in his eyes and letting him see my pain is just not somewhere I can go. The thought of speaking words that make it sound like everything is ok, is just not somewhere I can go. The very words, I forgive you, and I've tried them out a few times, just bring sobs.

That last game of bunco as I felt that weight come crashing down on me I fought every second through that game not to start bawling. It was right there. I didn't want to end the night that way, with me falling apart in front of everybody. Talk about a mood breaker! So it was second by second and minute by minute until I could get out of there and have my own little private cry.

A friend asked me at church on Sunday if I was praying for him. Sometimes I can find the strength for that, but for the most part, that's another place I just can't go right now. So I'm asking you to please step in and help me with that. Pray for him where I can't. I know that many of you prayed for me when I was sick and couldn't pray for myself. I'm asking now that you just open your hearts to the Lord and ask him to help this man be who God intended him to be. Not for me or our relationship or even his relationship with the kids. But because he deserves to know that His father loves him and he deserves to love himself. Just like all the rest of us do.

I had another restless night. Actually last night I woke up around one in the morning when I rolled over. I actually felt myself swimming up from somewhere far, far away. I had a brief recollection of the dream I was in and knew that it wasn't an out of ordinary dream. As I surfaced, I suddenly thought I smelled his cologne. The terror that went through every cell in my body froze me. I was facing away from my side of the bed. My mind was racing, my heart was racing. I just knew he was standing there on the other side of the bed with God knows what planned to do to me. I heard a noise and I flipped over so fast only to find the bedroom empty. I was actually surprised because I had been so sure he was there. The terror that had gripped me slowly released itself and I was able to doze back off. But from there on out I was awake every hour upon the hour and like the night before my dreams were weird and crazy and nonsensical.

Today I've been feeling dizzy all day. I don't know if it's from lack of sleep, or if I've been forgetting to take my antidepressant at night (I know I forgot last night), or if I just have some congestion built up behind my ears. Anyway, prayers are appreciated.

Well, I have about an hour before my next run. I'm going to try and sleep. Thank you to all of you for being there for me.

Blessings.... Nancy

New Developments

Since I wrote my story, I've had many, many positive comments from friends. You all give me glimpses of light in this awful, low point in my life. If it wasn't for all the people who love me and most of all for God's love and the way he Has held me through this, I'm not sure I would be here right now. What I am choosing to try and concentrate on is praising God for any little glimpse of light I see and even praise him for the hurt. Because I know I will grow. I know he has GREAT things for me.

I've already been affirmed that I did the right thing by posting my story and sharing my heart. I've had a few people contact me confidentially to say that they identified with my story and were or had been in a similar relationship. It is so important for these beautiful women to know that they aren't alone, that it's not their fault, that it's not about them.

Turning your back and walking away isn't easy. As a matter of fact it's the most heart wrenching, difficult thing in the world to do. You wanted so much for this person. You wanted to believe so much that God could and was changing their heart. And you know what, He was. I saw the changes in Bill. But something happened. I don't know what, I suppose Satan does have a lot to do with it. But I can't let my heart be blown to bits anymore, not that I really had a choice in the matter, but it's time to move on.

I met Alicia over the weekend. God set up a sequence of events, nothing that I could have possibly orchestrated myself. First I got a trip to take Life Church to the Old Settler's Parade. Then, just like that, she was there. I knew who she was as soon as I saw her. My boys had given me a brief description. I debated whether to talk to her. I sat in the bus and prayed about it. And then I went and introduced myself. We talked for awhile and I learned that not only had there been more lies than I knew about, but that he had lied to her and he had asked my boys to lie to me.

Honestly, she is a very personable lady. She is attractive, and she wears her spirit and love for the Lord outwardly and openly. I could totally understand why he fell so hard for her. But for some reason that I don't think any of us can truly understand he felt the need to deceive us all and didn't think twice about doing it. I think he really thought he was going to get away with it.

During the parade I debated whether or not I should send her my story. I knew I had already hurt her by some of the truths I had exposed but do you let someone fall later by experience or do you atleast warn them ahead of time and let them determine what they want to do? A dilemna for sure. Not to mention that not only was I taking the risk of looking like the bitter ex wife, but Bill was REALLY, REALLY going to hate me for it and possibly take it out on the boys.

Chris, who walked in the parade and was supposed to go with Alicia afterwards, rode back to Life Church on the bus with me. I was able to confirm at that time that his dad had in fact told him not to tell me that Alicia had gone to Arkansas with them. Chris was getting punished by his dad that day for lying about doing his homework the weekend before. I had a problem with the fact that his dad was punishing him for lying and telling him to lie at the same time. What is a child to think???

Anyway, I asked Alicia if I could send her my story. I warned her that it would hurt. But she wanted me to send it. In the meantime, Bill was on his way to Life Church with Jesse after Jesse's soccer game. I heard from Jesse (later, all volunteered information, I didn't have to ask a thing) that Bill was talking to Alicia on the phone and found out that I had talked to her. He said he got so mad that he threw his phone at the windshield and actually cracked his windshield. I'm thankful it didn't break as Jesse could have been hurt.

Chris spewed all this information out as soon as he got home Sunday. Bill came and got him at Life Church, just told him to get in the car and drove off. As soon as they got home, Bill called his ex girlfriend and invited her and the girls over. He spent some time talking to Christy about Alicia (apparently, she didn't know about her either?) and then Chris said he left for hours and left the boys there with Christy and her girls. When he got back they all went to Christy's house and had dinner and set off fireworks.

Sometime during the day, Chris asked Christy why she hadn't accepted his friend invitation on FB so she did right then and there. Chris told me his dad was reading my story that evening and he was really mad about it. So I'm not sure if Christy saw it on FB or Alicia sent it to him. I am assuming Christy saw it and then showed it to Bill. (Luckily Chris has not read it, he said it was too long and he didn't want to waste his time).

Anyway, when they went home from Christy's that evening, he had a talk with Chris and Jesse, and wanted them to tell him whether or not they thought he should stay with Alicia since she didn't like the fact that Christy was there. Little much to put on a 9 and 12 year old, you think?

So next morning, Chris was in the shower and he heard Bill yelling at Alicia on the phone. He was yelling I don't have to keep my voice down and was very angry. They actually came to church at ICCC... I had been told they were going to another church. The service was awesome! I mean, written for me!!! (And probably many others in the congregation as well). I encourage you to listen to it on the podcast or watch the video when it is uploaded. The website is http://www.indiancreek.org/ If you look on the right side of the home page there is a media tab. You can click audio for the podcast or video. The name of the message was called GooseBumps.

It was one of those services that I hung on to every word. Parts of it brought sobs, but it was just what I needed to hear. God is good! During the response time I went to the front to pray and all I could do was kneel down and sob to God. Purging the hurt out through my tears. I got up and found I couldn't even go back to my seat so I just collapsed into a chair. Jim Lee, who is an older pastor and could be my dad, sat down beside me and I experienced Jesus through Jim when he took me in his arms and held me and just let me cry. He cried with me and I knew it was God crying with me. Because he loves me that much.

They boys came home early Sunday, both of them coming in angry with their dad because he had come in from mowing, yelled at them to get their stuff picked up and told them he was taking them home right now because he needed to take care of a few things with Alicia. Chris said to me, "Dad sure does get alot of enjoyment out of hurting people, doesn't he?" Wow. Sad. I tried to tell him that his dad was very mixed up right now, but that didn't excuse his behavior and how he had treated the people around him. We talked a little bit about how sometimes people need to hit bottom in order to climb up and out of the pit. When they are "saved" by other people in their life, they are actually hurt because they don't get the chance to grow and learn. Big stuff to understand for a 12 year old. But when do you start to teach your kids about healthy relationships if they don't ever experience it?

I've been guilty of trying to save him. Now it's time to walk away and let him fall if others don't step in to save him. He's done all of this to himself. His choices, his decisions and there are broken bodies strewn all along the path where he has passed.

God will forgive. But he's got to ask for it and mean it. He has to hit rock bottom. And I need to take care of me. I need to nurture my heart back to health. I need to focus on what is most important, my relationship with God and my children. One step at a time, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Whatever is needed at that particular time.

I want to close with a little story. Friday, I was walking between routes. God and I were talking. I don't know why but I asked God to show me something exciting in the grass. I'm thinking, wouldn't it be cool to find some money or a gem, or a discarded winning lottery ticket? So I'm walking and looking hard in the grass. It's not long before I notice the wildflowers, each beautiful in their own right. I see the grass that has grown high and has those little fuzzy things on the end of it. I see butterflies flying around the flowers. I see the deep green of the grass. I see the trees. Then God says to me, do you see how all of this is intertwined? Do you see how it depends on eachother, needs each other? Wow, yes, I do I say. He says that just like this is intertwined so is my life with my children and even with Bill. He said my children need me and so does Bill even though he doesn't realize it right now. So, I asked him, "What do you want me to do?" And he said "I want you to continue to be you". Wow, what a gift. What a glimpse of light in what has been an incredibly dark time. Simply that is all I need to do, lean on him, talk to him, give it to him, have faith in him and just be me. I am enough!

Last post was June 19th... time to start blogging again. So much is going through my head it's keeping me up at night. I just need to purge, purge, purge! To get you up to date I want to first post 'My story' which I posted on FB but didn't post here. It's long, fair warning. After you read it, you will understand my need to to purge, to get out my thoughts, to continue driving forward and to not look back. Sorry it's been so long!

Recently a friend asked me a question. It was “So tell me what’s going on with your situation. What happened. ?” And once I got rolling I couldn’t stop. This is what I wrote in response. It is my story and I thought it would be a good idea to share it with you too.

It's a really long story so I'll try to shorten it down as much as possible. Bill and I were married for 10 years. We fell madly head over heels in love with each other. I have to be honest, when we fell in love, we were both married to other people. The guilt I had about having an affair about killed me so when my first husband and I divorced, I left both of them and moved to CA to heal. When I moved back to KC a year later I thought I could stay away from him, but I couldn't. I was still in love with him and we soon started our relationship up again. There were problems from the beginning as you can imagine with him not understanding my pain and guilt over my first marriage failing. It is true that you can be in love with 2 people at one time and it will absolutely tear you apart.

Anyway, we stayed together and then moved in together. Neither of us were Christ followers, as a matter of fact we used drugs and drank and partied. He asked me to marry him and a month later we found out I was pregnant. He was not happy about this as he wanted me all to himself for awhile before we started a family. Christopher was born and the problems between us intensified. Bill was very jealous of Chris and resented my love for my son. At the time I didn't realize it, but Bill became very emotionally abusive towards both me and Chris. I spent all my time trying to please him, trying to figure out what I had done wrong, trying to change. Of course there were good times and I loved him with all my heart. I always thought things would get better.

I'm sure, you being in the profession you are in, have seen this many times before. Anyway, we stayed together, bought a house and had a second child, also unplanned. Things got worse. The emotional abuse escalated into physical and verbal abuse. I still didn't see it though because I was trying so hard to protect my children I only saw his abuse towards them. All the while we continued to smoke pot and Bill was hooked for years at a time on meth. When Jesse was almost 2, Bill took him fishing. He got angry at him for getting too close to the water after repeatedly telling him not to. He picked him up and set him down so hard that it broke his leg.

This was the turning point. Social services got involved, the police got involved and for the first time I admitted what had been so carefully hidden in our household, but just where the kids were concerned. I didn't admit his abuse towards me. I started seeing a counselor for DV. I was totally completely shocked about what I learned. It was apparent that I was a victim, 100%. I had been so busy protecting the boys I hadn't seen what had happened to me. So I began the very long process of becoming a survivor instead of a victim.

Bill moved out after I filed a protection order against him after he hit me one time, just months after he had injured Jesse. He rarely hit me, it was mostly emotional abuse and verbal. He hated me with a passion and yet I still loved him. It was so messed up. When he moved out I immediately stopped using drugs. I believe I had been using them as a way to cope. He was gone for about 6 months and then I hurt my back and couldn't get out of bed. I needed help with the boys so he came to stay and just never left again.

Things were better for a little while but he got back on the meth and it all went downhill again. Ok, I'm going to have to finish this later as I have to go make another run for work (I'm a school bus driver). I'll write part 2 later.


Ok part 2, are you ready? I think its crazy that I have written all this and not felt a thing, like I'm telling someone elses story. I've read what I wrote and you must be wondering why in the hell I kept going back to this man???

Anyway on with the story. He got on the meth again and soon enough he was back to hating me. I couldn't do anything right. We barely spoke, it was horrible living arrangements. I found out he was taking the kids with him to get his drugs. Our marriage was hanging there by a thread but at that point I knew I had to protect my kids even if it cost me my marriage. I turned him in to the DEA or something like that online. Nothing happened. A few months passed and I had not been feeling well. I found a recipe in his stuff that had all this poisonous stuff in it. I thought then he was trying to kill me. So I made the decision to take it to the police.

It turned out to be a fake recipe for meth, something that was circulating the web at the time. I was relieved that he wasn't trying to kill me but the police wanted to know if I wanted him arrested for possession. I had tried everything else I knew how to do to get him clean so I said yes. I knew it would cost me our marriage but our marriage was 98% miserable anyway. I turned in his dealer as well and when he was arrested with the drugs on him, they tried to get him to turn on his dealer. He wouldn't do it. He basically ended up getting off with a slap on the wrist and some probation time but he does have a felony on his record now and always will.

He didn't know it was me that turned him in although others suspected and told him so. On Easter morning 2005, just a month after I turned him in, he blew up at me because the Easter Bunny had brought the boys too much candy and it was going to rot their teeth out. We got into a fight, he threw some chairs around, we scuffled over some tax papers, he threatened to hit me and "make it count" and I called the police. That was it, he left that day and never came back.

Over the next 18 months we went through a very nasty divorce. He eventually found out it was me who turned him in. He had another reason to hate me. He didn't pay his child support and I was a stay at home mom at the time so I had 0 income. He would punish me by not seeing the boys for months at a time. It was absolutely horrible. But I was so angry with him that it consumed me. There wasn't too much room for pain, just anger. I used the DV card every chance I got to blame him for everything. I do want to add that I wasn’t always totally innocent in our scuffles and fights. I knew which buttons to push and I did so on occasion. But when it really came down to it, my reaction to his way of making things seem all turned around and upside down and un-understandable was just that, a reaction to that which made no sense to me and a desperate attempt to make sense of the un-sensible.

I also want to add that for a good portion of our marriage, things would go from good to bad. Just as they talk about in DV counseling, I could tell when the tension started to mount. At times, things were wonderful and he was the sweetest, most lovable man in the world. It was that man that I so loved.

In the meantime, actually before he left the last time, I had started going to church. When I first started all I could do was just sit there and cry through the entire service. I asked for prayers every week. I also went to a Divorce class at the church. But I had no self esteem, I was so beaten down it wasn't even funny. I continued DV counseling and slowly but surely I climbed out of the pit I had been living in for years. But I still didn't think I was good enough.

Our divorce was final in August 2006. Still consumed by my anger and pain, I was diagnosed one month later with breast cancer. (He blamed me for this too). I spent the next year going through surgery, chemo and radiation. I was sicker than a dog. People came out of the woodwork to help. I learned that the world was good. I learned that people were good. But he never helped. Actually he never even asked what kind of cancer I had.

I've had 5 surgeries since my diagnosis and still take medicine to keep the cancer from coming back which has messed me up in numerous ways. But that is not really part of the story.

Because of the abuse he only had 5 hours on every Sunday for visitation. In the summer of 2007, he threatened to take me back to court for full weekends. I didn't want to fight it, I was still much too weak from the cancer. So I agreed on the stipulation that he bring them to church on Sunday mornings. He fought this at first but then he agreed. The surprising thing was that he came with them.

It was uncomfortable at first but I couldn't tell him that he couldn't attend my church. So I sat on one side and he on the other. We started actually speaking to each other civilly after a while. In the fall, we even went and did a couple of things together for the kids birthdays. As winter set in I started feeling that God was putting on my heart that he wanted our family back together. I fought that for a long time, especially after all this man had put me through. I thought no freakin’ way would I get back with him.

A year went by and we continued to do things together every now and then and we actually found that we could be friendly with each other. The feeling persisted that I was supposed to reconcile with him. But I didn't think he had any interest in that and I wasn't so sure I did either.

Also during this time I went to a very intense spiritual, self esteem building seminar called Breakthrough that completely changed the way I felt about myself. I was finally able to see myself in the light that God sees me. I was freed of so many past negative tapes and thoughts about myself. And I received wonderful tools to deal with life and times that I might slip back into my old ways of thinking.

Now, I have to go to a meeting, so I'll write part 3 later. Hopefully that will be the last part! Hope you aren't bored to tears!

Okay, back again and on part 3. I haven't gotten anything done today but that's ok, I'm finding this to be quite cathartic.

While I was driving to my meeting I remembered the first time I realized that Bill still loved me. It was actually in the fall of 2008. We had taken the boys to World's of Fun for Chris' birthday. It was a beautiful day/evening and we were all having a great time. We were all on a ride together and a look passed between Bill and I. It was one of those looks that happens very, very seldom if ever. It came from somewhere so deep inside and left me so breathless that I knew without a doubt in that brief few seconds that he still loved me. One of those looks that leaves you feeling like if you don’t break it, it will actually burn a hole through you. It was a shock almost and it led me to start thinking a little bit more seriously about the possibility that he was changing, that God was at work in his life and maybe there was something to this nagging God was doing in my heart.

On New Years Eve 2008/2009, we spent the evening together with the boys. We went to his place and had an outside fire and shot off fireworks. I had too much to drink and I found myself in his arms. It was weird but familiar, scary but something I found I was enjoying immensely. When i say I had too much to drink I mean it was one of those got to keep one foot on the floor or the world is going to spin too much. He let me sleep in his bed and when I did end up getting sick he took care of me. When I was able to sleep he held me. We did not go farther than that and I was glad about that.

After that, things were different between us. We were more tender towards each other but still both of us were hesitant. It wasn't until I encouraged him to go through BreakThrough which I knew how much had helped me, that I finally gave in to the feelings I'd had for a year and a half about God wanting us to reconcile . I told him my thoughts and I told him I wanted to date him. We agreed to revisit it after he had gone through the first 2 sessions of BT.

He went to BT, but that was a trial all in itself. You see, his ex-girlfriend, Christy, the one he had been seeing since we had separated and had just moved out of his house shortly before Christmas, signed up to go at the same time as him. I was beside myself. I couldn't believe that could possibly in a million years happen. But it did and there was nothing I could do about it but trust the BT process and trust God that He knew what he was doing. After BT1 (there are 4 sessions), Bill and I talked and I was reassured that he was there for him. I wasn't sure why she was there, for her or to get him back. But I had to let it go and let it happen. After BT2, Bill and I went out on a real date and he told me he wanted to see me. We agreed we needed to take it slow, not rush as we knew if we rushed we would implode. This was in March.

Since then, we have been seeing each other regularly. He was sweet, he was much more patient. He was loving. He told me he loved me regularly and that he believed that God wanted us together as well. He helped around the house, we talked about plans for the future, we spent lots of time together as a family, he stayed with us most weekends. We went to church together, we prayed together, we worked together as far as the kids were concerned. I really believed he had changed and that we were doing the right thing. Things were good and I was happier than I had been in a very, very long time.

We did have a few issues about his old girlfriend, but we were always able to talk through them. I couldn't understand though why some of her stuff was still at his house if he didn't care about her anymore. He also let her come into his house during the week and do her laundry. I didn't get that either. But I didn't push it.

I planned a vacation to TN for late July, early August. I invited him to go with us. He said he wanted to and was planning on it. But then work got in the way (or so he said, now I don't know what to believe), and he couldn't go with us. So the boys and I went to KY and TN for 2 weeks. The first week we were gone Bill and I talked on the phone several times a day. He told me he loved me when we hung up. Then the 2nd week, we were camping in the mountains and couldn't get cell reception so we didn't talk. He seemed upset with me but didn't convey that directly. When we left the mountains and headed back home we talked but he didn't tell me loved me at the end of the conversations. I decided he just needed a little space so I backed off to give it to him.

When we returned we went out to dinner, just the two of us and had a wonderful conversation. He told me I was positively glowing. He was taking a class that weekend so I didn't think much of it that he didn't stay with us. The next weekend we had the Susan G Komen Walk for the Cure. We stayed at the Westin Hotel the night before the walk. We were there with a few other members of my cancer support group. He kept his distance from the others but again I didn't think much of it, just that he was feeling like he didn't fit in or something. We had a great time and all seemed well otherwise.

The next weekend was his weekend with the kids even though we hadn't really been following that too much since he always stayed with us. On Friday he came and got the kids before I got home from work. He didn't call and tell me he was going to do this, he just did it. Red flags went up but he said he just wanted to spend some time alone with them, he hadn't been able to do that much lately. Saturday, they all came over and we went to the pool and spent the day and evening together watching a movie. When we were at the pool he was distant and never touched me or kissed me. Red flags again. He talked about how he was cleaning house, he was going to stop drinking and using drugs (he was still smoking pot on occasion), eat better, start going to the gym again, get closer to God, read the bible. Well I thought these were all good things. He said he was tired of "being on the fence". When I questioned what he meant by that he just said he was tired of not being all in as far as his relationship with God. That night when he and the boys left he walked out the door without so much as a hug. It was then that I finally knew something was terribly wrong. But I still just thought he needed some time, some space. He said we would talk the next day.

I was actually mad at that point. The next morning at church I sat by myself. He didn't talk to me except to hand me a check for some money he owed me. That afternoon when he brought the boys home, he sat me down and said that he liked the way we were working together with the boys but he didn't want to see me anymore. He just wanted to be friends. I was completely shocked and I immediately blew up. I didn't give him a chance to explain, I just lost it. I cussed at him, I said some things I shouldn't have and he left leaving me shocked and hurt and completely confused.

I immediately came inside after he left and sent him an email telling him to leave me the f alone and that I didn't want to see him or talk to him. I knew even as I wrote it that it was a bold faced lie. I was crushed. But it was me trying to protect me.

So he stayed away. I cried uncontrollably every day. I just didn't get it. The next weekend I called him and just asked him to please give me an explanation for all of it. He wouldn't really, but he did say it was because I hadn't changed. I still kept the house the same way. He talked some about this new group he was going to called Celebrate Recovery. We got into it a little bit and he said people were telling him that they totally understood why he left, he said very sarcastically how perfect I was and that none of it was my fault when I tried to point out that I didn't understand what happened, that I thought everything was fine and I couldn't meet his standards, as no one would ever be able to. I was at a very low place and I begged him not to do this to me. He wouldn't hear any of it.

I continued to be blown away by it all. In spite of it, I believed it to be some kind of spiritual warfare that could be overcome once he just came to his senses. Once he just realized he was in Satan's grip. I clearly saw the old patterns had emerged. He was turning it on me, making it my fault. I understood clearly it wasn't my fault but I was still devastated.

I wrote him a letter and I apologized specifically NOT for my feelings of anger, betrayal, hurt, disappointment, etc. but for my reaction to those feelings. He was using my bad language when I blew up at him to accuse me of not being a good Christian. I left it at that. That was all I wanted to say to him. He wrote me an email and said how prayers were answered. I wanted to let him know not all prayers are answered but I didn't. I offered a peace offering by telling him he could take the boys to Arkansas for Labor Day Weekend which was something he had mentioned he wanted to do before all this happened. That was in addition to his regular weekends.

When he came this past Friday to pick them up, he said he was running late because he was at a church service. Since he's always gone to my church I asked him what his sudden interest was in this new church. He said a friend invited him. I said what friend. He said he didn't want to fight. I didn't let up, what friend? He said Alicia. It all clicked into place in that split second. I said where did you meet her, he told me at our church. He said something about how spiritual she was but my blood was boiling and I blew up again. Reacting to the knives that had just been pierced into my heart. I lost it again, cussing at him right in front of my children. He took the boys and left.

I came inside and the pain that coursed through me was physical and emotional, reaching right down to the very core of my soul. I threw up, I sobbed from a deep gutteral place. I just wanted to die right then and there. It was an awful, awful, feeling. Devastated, betrayed, hurt... none of them were strong enough words. Friday night was awful. I slept very little, cried a whole lot.

The next morning I called the boys and apologized for what I had done. And somehow I made it through the weekend. I wanted to drink myself silly until the pain was gone but instead I helped out at the church, I spent time in the prayer room and I went to a Saturday night service at the same church he had been at with his new girlfriend the night before. I sobbed the entire service and prayed with a very nice lady afterwards. Her words comforted me at least until the next morning until I fell apart all over again. The whole weekend was like that. Ok for a little bit and then a complete basket case.

I had the opportunity to talk to quite a few people and all were just as shocked as I was. But that shock wouldn't be my last. When Bill brought the boys home Monday night we talked. He told me and I quote, "When I met you so many years ago, you took my breath away. Now I have met someone who not only takes my breath away but knocks my socks off. And she is so incredibly spiritual. You are spiritual, but not like her". When I asked him what about the fact that we were trying to reconcile, he responded “You were trying to reconcile, not me”. I said so were you just using me all this time? He said, no he wouldn’t call it using me but it was just easier to do things the way we were doing them then to fight all the time. (More excuses to make him feel better… that is not at all how it was). I guess the daggers from Friday night didn't do the job so he jabbed a few more in. He reminded me again that I hadn't changed. So suffice it to say I sobbed myself to sleep after tossing and turning for hours. I got very little sleep and then woke up before my alarm went off crying again. It's been a tough day.

But I think any hope I might have still had that he would come to his senses is now snuffed out. I can't compete with knocked his socks off. I have never been enough for him. It is not enough that I am enough for me, I have never been and never will be enough for him. Crushed yes. Dreams are shattered. In more pain than I can remember. He knocked me on my ass again. Let me know in no uncertain terms that I wasn't good enough.

One of the things that I've never understood is how everyone else around me can see my heart, can see my goodness, can love me because I am a good person. But he can't. It is what hurts the most.

So that is my story, and I didn't do too good of a job of keeping it short. Sorry about that. I need to get the little one to bed. Thanks so much for listening.