Loyalty

Awhile back, after I wrote “My Story” and posted it on Facebook, which by the way, I didn’t realize was going to go onto ALL my friends homepages, a FB friend posted a status that read, “You are not real, nor are you loyal.” It would be presumptuous of me to assume he posted that in response to my blog posts, but it did get me to thinking about loyalty. I’ve been thinking about it for quite awhile now actually.

I did some internet research about loyalty and loyalty in the bible. One site had this written: “In the dictionary, the word loyal means unswerving in allegiance as 1) faithful allegiance to one’s sovereign or government, 2) faithful to a private person to whom fidelity is due, 3) faithful to a cause, ideal or custom. Synonyms are: faithful, allegiance, devotion, dedication, constant, unwavering, steady, unfailing.”

I have no problem with disagreeing, if the status was concerning me, that I am absolutely 100% real. I don’t mince words, I tell the truth, I share my heart. That is real. To be false would be to hide my feelings, hide my story as if I have something to be ashamed of. As for loyalty, I guess that depends on what your definition of loyalty is. How do you feel about it? One thing I think it’s important to point out is that the definition above implies that who you are loyal to should be deserving of your loyalty.

By telling my story I did have to include some pretty damaging stuff about Bill. It didn’t make him sound like the greatest person in the world. But I couldn’t tell my story without those parts. I couldn’t share my struggle and fight to climb above it without explaining what the fight was about. I didn’t write my story to destroy Bill. I wrote my story because it was MY STORY. Not his. Mine.

I can see how this particular person might feel that I was being disloyal to Bill by writing what I wrote. Perhaps even being disloyal to his entire family. But this is the deal as I see it. Number one, Bill does not at this point in time deserve my loyalty. I have trusted him, been faithful to him, been dedicated to him, been unwavering in my love for him, been devoted to him, and on and on, and repeatedly he has stomped on that trust, has been unfaithful to me, has walked away when the fight got to be too scary, too tough. He no longer deserves any of the synonyms for loyalty from me. I am no longer responsible to be any of those synonyms to him either. When he walked I was set free.

Secondly, I believe too many equate loyalty, especially in a family, with keeping the truth of the dysfunctional ways of that family a secret. Isn’t it societies way to cover up all the bad stuff that happens behind the closed front door of our familial home? Is that loyalty? Keeping your dirty secrets secret? I know many families have had some pretty damaging stuff happen over the years. But yet, no one ever talks about it. They pretend like it doesn’t exist, it never happened. And if anyone in the family was to be “real” and admit to the damage, to the hurt they had experienced, the rest of the family would be completely shocked, maybe even accuse them of making it up and worst of all, cut them off for coming clean. I mean seriously, how often do you think this happens? All the time! The shame is too great. God forbid that anyone should find healing by being honest and real.

What do you think would happen if you were “disloyal” or a better, more true word, “real”, and admitted that you make mistakes? Admitted that your childhood growing up wasn’t perfect like you’ve led everyone to believe? Admitted that you have wounds that need to be healed? What do you think would happen if you wrote your own story and included all the dirty secret details? The thought makes you shudder, doesn’t it? You are thinking, I couldn’t possibly… what would people think… I would be ostracized… I would be so ashamed… I might just die if I told everyone that…

Maybe you are thinking it would be disloyal to your family, your friends, your husband, your wife, your children. But would it really? What if the only way to true healing, the only way to living freely in God’s love was through that pain? Was through admitting the existence of the wound and doing the work necessary to heal it? What if the only way to living strong was in admitting your weakness? What if the only way to trusting, being loyal to each other was through exposing the secrets?

What would the world look like if everyone faced their dark demons instead of hiding them behind masks and deep down in their souls? I bet there would be a lot less alcoholism, drug use, cancer, disease, suicide. I bet people would be happier, more content, less stressed. I bet they could have “real” conversations with each other instead of the strained ones we tend to have these days. When someone said “how are you”, you could answer them honestly. Wow, how would that be?

I challenge you today to take just one small step to facing a demon in your life. I challenge you to admit it’s there. I’m not saying write your whole story and post it on Facebook like I did, but just tell one person about one small event that has brought you shame in your life. And then work through it. You will be amazed at how freeing it is. You will be amazed at how it lifts your spirit, your soul. And I’m willing to bet you will want to do a little more releasing as time goes on. Take it slow, one small step at a time. You don’t have to live in that prison you have built for yourself. We ALL have shame… ALL of us. You are not alone. Remember that and remember that God is with you every step of the way through the journey of healing.

I think one reason that quite a few people felt like I should not share my journey publicly was because it made them anxious. They probably weren’t able to pinpoint that. They probably thought they were being well meaning and perhaps they were. But I also think they may have grown up with that belief that you just don’t tell your dirty family secrets. As a result their own level of anxiety rose, they couldn’t imagine that someone would actually write those truths, I mean, really, think of the people that might see it! But what they can’t understand is that no matter who sees it, someone who does is going to change for the better because of it. It might just be one person, but for that one person it made a difference. And that’s all that matters to me.

So loyal or disloyal? I don’t know. Real? Yes. And that’s how I strive to live. God loves me just the way I am, so if He’s ok with me, I am too!

Tough Day

It's been a tough day! I wasn't prepared to hear the message Gary spoke this morning. He talked about how men are warriors at heart and they should fight for a cause, whether it be their wives, children, family, church, etc. etc. I sat there listening, my heart remembering all the times that I was the enemy instead of the enemy being the enemy, including now. My heart broke because he never fought that fight for me. My heart broke because he wasn't there to hear the message. Instead he believes that the church he once attended is giving out "wrong" messages and has expressed to his kids that he doesn't believe they will learn what they need to learn there. Funny, I don't ever remember him sitting in on their classes so that he would know exactly what they were learning.

Last night I took 6 teenagers to World's of Fun. I wanted to have fun with them. I wanted it to just be a time to forget. But instead I remembered that last Halloween time, we went to WOF together several times as a family. And now I was there alone and I couldn't help but be very sad. Knowing that he had gone just the week before with "socks" (that's my new nickname for her) and the boys. Replaced me with a taller, skinnier, blonder version. How do you not feel that sick feeling that she is with YOUR family.... YOUR kids.... YOUR husband?

How do you stop loving?

How do you let go?

One thing Gary said this morning stuck like glue. And it is exactly what I've been trying my hardest to do. And that is to not focus on the problem because it will only lead to feeling overwhelmed by it. But instead keep your eyes focused on God. God is BIGGER THAN the problem. It's still not going to be easy, but HE is my ONLY way out of this. So I will continue to keep my eyes focused on him. Through the grief, through the pain, through the times of rejoicing, through it all... HE is all I need!