Another day
A little more information
It’s more than clear
She’s the Black Widow.
She hides in her web
Rough and sticky
The silk indomitable
to the unwise
Waiting quietly for her prey.
If she’s disturbed or threatened
She’ll rush to bite
But mostly she just lays in wait
For her victim to come to her.
When he’s firmly ensnared
In her inescapable web
She sinks in her teeth
And ever so slowly
Sucks the life right out of him.
By the time the acute pain hits
It’s too late.
She has him and won’t let go.
Cramps, weakness, tremors
As the nervous system comes under attack
He can’t breathe
He’s dizzy
Feels like a heart attack.
She’s the black widow
Her mate wanders in search of her
Unaware that their coupling
Could be his last.
When he has served her purpose
She becomes his executioner,
Insecticide
His greatest fear
Not only does she destroy him
But she devours him as well
Taking everything that is his
Leaving nothing behind.
She may spawn young
Many in fact
But she’s the black widow
And only a few will survive
She is savage, brutal
A cannibal at heart.
Most of her babes
Will never see the light
She has no use for them
Even before they have a chance
They will die
Consumed as if they had no worth.
She is the evil doer
dangerous, poisonous, toxic
She may fool by her hourglass shape
But only a fool will respond.
Blinded by her false appeal
Trapped in her invisible web.
She is notorious
For her bloodthirsty courtship
And yet he is drawn to her.
He doesn’t know why.
Allured by a power
Beyond his understanding.
She is the Black Widow.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Surrounded By Death
Surrounded By Death
It is a beautiful Friday morning and I am home sick. I have coughed up at least one lung and the other is just barely hanging in there. Of course, not literally, but it sure feels that way. Along with being sick I am melancholy. I think part of the sadness just comes from not feeling 100%. Being sick throws me off from my normal pattern and therefore, my life falls out of balance. But there are clearly other reasons for the darkness as well.
Yesterday, my friend Wendy was buried. After succumbing to her cancer on Good Friday, she was laid to rest in a beautiful shaded grave at the very cemetery I would like to be buried at. The graves there are so individualized, expressing each persons uniqueness and defining them as their own person. I like that. Many come and leave flowers in remembrance making the place colorful and cheerful in opposition to the very idea of it being a sad place. I was glad her “dear Bernie” picked such a beautiful spot for her. Her children, 3, 5 and 13 will have opportunities to visit their mom, even though her soul is not there. Her memorial place where her body lays will be a place they can go to quietly remember.
It is sad and yet I am elated for her at the same time. She is in heaven, rejoicing. She got to be there on EASTER! What a great day to be in heaven! She reunited with Valera, Candice and Amy and all the others she has known throughout her life that preceded her to the kingdom. She is no longer in pain. She no longer has to worry about anything here on earth. She is with Jesus, living under the brilliant radiance of God’s unfailing, magnificent love. And yet, I miss her already. I miss her daily faith filled updates of her journey with cancer. I miss her positive, ‘I’m going to beat this’ attitude. I miss her wry sense of humor. I miss her smile. I miss her devotion to her girls and to her “dear” Bernie. I miss her.
And missing her reminds me that I miss Candice. And I miss Amy and Valera. And most of all I miss Bill. Who hasn’t died at all, but is gone. The dream has died and I continue to mourn it’s passing.
Also on Good Friday, my friend Kimmie, whose girls, Annabelle and Millie ride on my bus, lost her mother. I hurt for her. Today, she is burying her mother and my heart goes out to her as she grieves.
Monday afternoon, as I jumped in my bus, late, to do my afternoon route, I rushed to pick up my bus aide. I wasn’t paying attention to the radio. As we turned down Northgate headed for Northwest High School we came upon a horrific accident scene. Traffic had come to a halt in both directions. Sirens wailed as emergency vehicle after emergency vehicle flew past us. We knew it was bad. Another small bus sat pulled off the road with her emergency flashers on at the site of the wreck. We could see the driver moving about the scene. She came on the radio hysterical, crying how bad it was and that she needed someone from the office to come right away. We were quite a few cars back in the traffic flow and could see the milling of activity around the scene but could not exactly make out what had happened. My bus aide, a retired pastor, and I began to pray. I prayed for the occupants of the vehicle, not knowing than how many might be involved. I prayed for the emergency workers. And I prayed for the other bus driver who was caught up in a frenzy of panic. 25 minutes passed before we were allowed to pass the accident scene. It was indeed bad. The driver of the crashed SUV had been taken to the hospital still alive but with life threatening injuries. There was debris from the wreck everywhere. A tire had flown off the car, the entire front end was smashed beyond recognition, parts of the 2 trees that he had hit while airborne where all over the road along with various parts of his vehicle. The light pole that had been sheered off at it’s base lay broken, parts flung 300 feet away. After seeing the scene, I couldn’t imagine how anyone could live through it.
I found out later that the 21 year old driver had been traveling at a very high rate of speed. It was a straightaway so I’m not sure what caused him to veer into the median. Speculation would include texting, or possibly just reaching down to grab something, or maybe he just lost control. But when he hit the median, he went airborne, hitting a tree, then sheering off the light pole, hitting another tree and then coming to rest sideways, partways on the median and partways off. The other school bus driver had seen the SUV go airborne and thought he was going to fly into her. No wonder she was so frantic. The driver of the one vehicle accident was ejected at some point while the car was flying through the air. He had lain on the road, his body badly damaged, right in front of the school bus with young preschool children on it.
I learned from a friend at church through a facebook post on Tuesday that this was the son of a friend of hers. The young man I had been praying for had a name. His mom actually went to our church. On Wednesday I had enough information from my friend to be able to pass on the information and an urgent prayer request to Belinda, the care pastor at our church. Along with my news, someone else had sent along a prayer request for the young man as well. The young mans aunt and uncle also attend our church. Wednesday evening, Gary (ICCC lead pastor) and Belinda were able to visit the hospital where the young man had been taken. They arrived to find the family gathered in a waiting room of the ICU, having learned that their precious 21 year old son/cousin/nephew/friend had died two hours prior.
Another young life taken too soon.
I struggle with the why. I struggle with the magnitude. Why so many in so short a period of time? First Gail. Then Valera. And just since the beginning of the year, Candice, Amy, Paul Kendall, an infant son of friends from Breakthrough who died after being born premature, Wendy, Kimmie’s mom, and now this young man. And then there’s that persistant death of my dream of my family being reunited in health. Why? I’m surrounded by death.
I know as with everything else in my life that I can’t question it. I just have to trust that God has a plan and He is God so He knows what He’s doing. I am comforted by the fact that all those who have passed are in such a better place. If I couldn’t believe that I think the grief would be so overwhelming that I just might die in it myself. 2 Corinthians 4:11 says: “Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies.”
I am participating in a bible study at church on Wednesday nights. It is Beth Moore’s Breaking Free study. I have never before experienced something like it. I love it and through the 9 weeks I have participated so far, the bondages and chains that have broken free from my life are miraculous. She talks about loss in Week 5 of the study. I will close with the following thoughts from her.
“Nothing is more natural than grief after a devastating loss, but those of us in Christ can experience satisfying life again. When our hearts have been shattered by loss, we have an opportunity to welcome a supernatural power to our lives. It doesn’t come any other way. That is the power to live again when we’d really rather die. It is a power that displays the life of Christ in us like no other because it defies all odds. God becomes the only explanation for our emotional survival and revival. PERHAPS THE MOST PROFOUND MIRACLE OF ALL IS LIVING THROUGH SOMETHING WE THOUGHT WOULD KILL US. And not just living, but living abundantly and effectively-- raised from living death to a new life. A LIFE INDEED ABSENT OF SOMETHING OR SOMEONE DEAR BUT FILLED WITH THE PRESENCE OF THE RESURRECTION AND THE LIFE.”
Beth didn’t capitalize those portions of her script but I felt they were so important that I did. May you live today in the comfort of knowing that your grief or loss can and will lead to a greater relationship with Him who loves you unfailingly. That you have been faced with a challenge, albeit forced upon you, to allow the loss to bring gain for Jesus. Any other way will just lead to a greater loss, the most debilitating loss of all, the loss of faith.
Thank you, Jesus, for this challenge today.
It is a beautiful Friday morning and I am home sick. I have coughed up at least one lung and the other is just barely hanging in there. Of course, not literally, but it sure feels that way. Along with being sick I am melancholy. I think part of the sadness just comes from not feeling 100%. Being sick throws me off from my normal pattern and therefore, my life falls out of balance. But there are clearly other reasons for the darkness as well.
Yesterday, my friend Wendy was buried. After succumbing to her cancer on Good Friday, she was laid to rest in a beautiful shaded grave at the very cemetery I would like to be buried at. The graves there are so individualized, expressing each persons uniqueness and defining them as their own person. I like that. Many come and leave flowers in remembrance making the place colorful and cheerful in opposition to the very idea of it being a sad place. I was glad her “dear Bernie” picked such a beautiful spot for her. Her children, 3, 5 and 13 will have opportunities to visit their mom, even though her soul is not there. Her memorial place where her body lays will be a place they can go to quietly remember.
It is sad and yet I am elated for her at the same time. She is in heaven, rejoicing. She got to be there on EASTER! What a great day to be in heaven! She reunited with Valera, Candice and Amy and all the others she has known throughout her life that preceded her to the kingdom. She is no longer in pain. She no longer has to worry about anything here on earth. She is with Jesus, living under the brilliant radiance of God’s unfailing, magnificent love. And yet, I miss her already. I miss her daily faith filled updates of her journey with cancer. I miss her positive, ‘I’m going to beat this’ attitude. I miss her wry sense of humor. I miss her smile. I miss her devotion to her girls and to her “dear” Bernie. I miss her.
And missing her reminds me that I miss Candice. And I miss Amy and Valera. And most of all I miss Bill. Who hasn’t died at all, but is gone. The dream has died and I continue to mourn it’s passing.
Also on Good Friday, my friend Kimmie, whose girls, Annabelle and Millie ride on my bus, lost her mother. I hurt for her. Today, she is burying her mother and my heart goes out to her as she grieves.
Monday afternoon, as I jumped in my bus, late, to do my afternoon route, I rushed to pick up my bus aide. I wasn’t paying attention to the radio. As we turned down Northgate headed for Northwest High School we came upon a horrific accident scene. Traffic had come to a halt in both directions. Sirens wailed as emergency vehicle after emergency vehicle flew past us. We knew it was bad. Another small bus sat pulled off the road with her emergency flashers on at the site of the wreck. We could see the driver moving about the scene. She came on the radio hysterical, crying how bad it was and that she needed someone from the office to come right away. We were quite a few cars back in the traffic flow and could see the milling of activity around the scene but could not exactly make out what had happened. My bus aide, a retired pastor, and I began to pray. I prayed for the occupants of the vehicle, not knowing than how many might be involved. I prayed for the emergency workers. And I prayed for the other bus driver who was caught up in a frenzy of panic. 25 minutes passed before we were allowed to pass the accident scene. It was indeed bad. The driver of the crashed SUV had been taken to the hospital still alive but with life threatening injuries. There was debris from the wreck everywhere. A tire had flown off the car, the entire front end was smashed beyond recognition, parts of the 2 trees that he had hit while airborne where all over the road along with various parts of his vehicle. The light pole that had been sheered off at it’s base lay broken, parts flung 300 feet away. After seeing the scene, I couldn’t imagine how anyone could live through it.
I found out later that the 21 year old driver had been traveling at a very high rate of speed. It was a straightaway so I’m not sure what caused him to veer into the median. Speculation would include texting, or possibly just reaching down to grab something, or maybe he just lost control. But when he hit the median, he went airborne, hitting a tree, then sheering off the light pole, hitting another tree and then coming to rest sideways, partways on the median and partways off. The other school bus driver had seen the SUV go airborne and thought he was going to fly into her. No wonder she was so frantic. The driver of the one vehicle accident was ejected at some point while the car was flying through the air. He had lain on the road, his body badly damaged, right in front of the school bus with young preschool children on it.
I learned from a friend at church through a facebook post on Tuesday that this was the son of a friend of hers. The young man I had been praying for had a name. His mom actually went to our church. On Wednesday I had enough information from my friend to be able to pass on the information and an urgent prayer request to Belinda, the care pastor at our church. Along with my news, someone else had sent along a prayer request for the young man as well. The young mans aunt and uncle also attend our church. Wednesday evening, Gary (ICCC lead pastor) and Belinda were able to visit the hospital where the young man had been taken. They arrived to find the family gathered in a waiting room of the ICU, having learned that their precious 21 year old son/cousin/nephew/friend had died two hours prior.
Another young life taken too soon.
I struggle with the why. I struggle with the magnitude. Why so many in so short a period of time? First Gail. Then Valera. And just since the beginning of the year, Candice, Amy, Paul Kendall, an infant son of friends from Breakthrough who died after being born premature, Wendy, Kimmie’s mom, and now this young man. And then there’s that persistant death of my dream of my family being reunited in health. Why? I’m surrounded by death.
I know as with everything else in my life that I can’t question it. I just have to trust that God has a plan and He is God so He knows what He’s doing. I am comforted by the fact that all those who have passed are in such a better place. If I couldn’t believe that I think the grief would be so overwhelming that I just might die in it myself. 2 Corinthians 4:11 says: “Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies.”
I am participating in a bible study at church on Wednesday nights. It is Beth Moore’s Breaking Free study. I have never before experienced something like it. I love it and through the 9 weeks I have participated so far, the bondages and chains that have broken free from my life are miraculous. She talks about loss in Week 5 of the study. I will close with the following thoughts from her.
“Nothing is more natural than grief after a devastating loss, but those of us in Christ can experience satisfying life again. When our hearts have been shattered by loss, we have an opportunity to welcome a supernatural power to our lives. It doesn’t come any other way. That is the power to live again when we’d really rather die. It is a power that displays the life of Christ in us like no other because it defies all odds. God becomes the only explanation for our emotional survival and revival. PERHAPS THE MOST PROFOUND MIRACLE OF ALL IS LIVING THROUGH SOMETHING WE THOUGHT WOULD KILL US. And not just living, but living abundantly and effectively-- raised from living death to a new life. A LIFE INDEED ABSENT OF SOMETHING OR SOMEONE DEAR BUT FILLED WITH THE PRESENCE OF THE RESURRECTION AND THE LIFE.”
Beth didn’t capitalize those portions of her script but I felt they were so important that I did. May you live today in the comfort of knowing that your grief or loss can and will lead to a greater relationship with Him who loves you unfailingly. That you have been faced with a challenge, albeit forced upon you, to allow the loss to bring gain for Jesus. Any other way will just lead to a greater loss, the most debilitating loss of all, the loss of faith.
Thank you, Jesus, for this challenge today.
Friday, February 19, 2010
The Puppeteer's Commands and Demands
The Puppeteer's
Commands and Demands
For the Puppet
-You must run any music you want to add to your Ipod by me before you load it. I need to make sure it is appropriate.
-You are not allowed to communicate with your ex girlfriend unless I am present.
-You are not allowed to see or communicate with your ex girlfriend’s children.
-You are not allowed to communicate with your ex wife except in matters pertaining to your children. Even then it must be very limited and it must be approved, edited or written by me. Responses to questions she asks are not necessary. Any attempt by her towards friendship or a civil relationship will be ignored.
-You may not have any friends that I do not approve of.
-You must open all doors for me. I will wait in the car or by the door if you forget until you return and open it for me.
-You must give up hobbies that I don’t approve of. For instance, you are no longer allowed to enjoy Nascar. I find the sport loud and distasteful.
-If you have memorabilia relating to such hobbies, you must rid yourself of that clutter.
-You are not allowed to go to your favorite restaurant, Texas Roadhouse. It is too loud in there.
-You may not go bowling, it is too loud.
-You may not watch TV. It fills your mind with junk and is not necessary. Nor are you allowed to let your children watch TV when they are with you.
-You must accompany me at my every whim. If I demand for you to be by my side, you must obey.
-You may not spend money on anything that is not approved by me.
-You may not entertain your children any longer with trips to do things and especially if it costs you monetarily. They do not respect you and do not deserve it.
-You must find me cute when I obnoxiously yell at your son’s sporting events, embarrassing him and his teammates.
-You must attend every group I instruct you to go to. You must attend religiously and faithfully. You may not pick your own groups, you must go to the ones I pick for you.
-You may not help your children out with needless activities that are scheduled out of your control on your weekends with them. Examples include sitting with them so they can raise money for Camp Fire. Allowing them to attend birthday parties or church functions (unless of course, they are for my church).
-You may not, under any circumstance, help your ex wife out financially beyond what is spelled out in the divorce agreement.
-You may not perform any Godly acts for her to help her out either. She can find someone else to do needed repairs around the house.
-I will be allowed to discipline your children at any time and in any way as I see fit.
-Your children will not be allowed cell phones, they are too young.
-You may not leave your children home alone even though by law they are old enough for you to do so. I believe they are too young. If for some stupid reason you make a serious error in judgment and leave them home, I will call them every 10 minutes on the second to check in on them. You are to instruct them if they do not pick up the phone when I call that you will impose serious consequences.
-You will not help with your children’s activities during the week or spend any time with them during the week. You will be too busy in the groups I have assigned you.
-(Assumed) You will study your bible religiously every day. You will spend xx number of minutes/hours in prayer. You will not deter from your schedule. You must obey the laws of God or He will strike you down. It’s all about performance. And you will perform to what I perceive to be HIS standards.
-(Assumed) You must worship with overwhelming joy in church no matter how you feel. It’s all about performance and you must perform up to the standards expected of you. If you don’t, God will be displeased with you and He will punish you. And I will definitely be displeased with you.
-If for any reason, you run into your ex-wife at your child’s school for something like lunch, you may not stay if she is eating with her child as well. I will demand to go with you on occasion to make sure you are following this rule. You must not be in her company under any circumstances. She is a sinner.
-When you do not do what I want and I rightfully become angry with you, I will not talk to you. Or I will storm out. Or I will push you and become physical. You will not retaliate in any way.
-You may not eat red meat any longer. You must not eat chicken with the skin on. It also must be grilled or baked. You may not drink skim milk as it is bad for you. You must drink soy milk instead. You may not eat peanuts, they are bad for you. You must follow my dietary guidelines.
-You will not visit your family without me.
-Any attempts by anyone to get you out of this relationship with me will be immediately squashed. All of those people who act like they are interested in your best interests are being led by Satan. Do not pay attention to them. Only listen to me. I know what is best for you.
-You are not to ever be stronger than I am spiritually. You must continue to work towards my level of spirituality but never surpass me.
-You must allow me to make up for the mistakes I made with my own children which resulted in my loss of custody of them with your children.
For the puppet’s children
-You must obey your father even if you find his demands unreasonable.
-You must respect your father whether he deserves it or not.
-You must respect me and obey my commands.
-You will not watch TV. It is not good for you and pollutes your mind with junk. It is also sinful.
-You may not play football in the house or in any way act like boys. I do not like it when you play football in the house.
-You must open all doors for me. I demand this respect. If you do not I will stand there or sit in the car until you do.
-You must stand up, wave your arms, sing and act like you are enjoying yourself when we attend worship and praise at church. You are not allowed to sit down through this. It’s all about performance. You must perform for God or He will be displeased with you and you will be punished.
-You must not mess up my apartment in any way. If you do, there will be consequences. You may not drop anything on the carpet, leave smudges in the bathroom, etc. You will treat my living space with the same respect I expect from you.
-You will keep the space you have at your father’s house neat and tidy at all times. If at any time, it is not obsessively neat and clean, you will spend hours cleaning it until it is.
For the puppet’s ex-wife
-You will not have a beer or glass of wine on occasion. It is a sin. I have instructed your children in the wrongness of your actions.
-You will not schedule any activities for your children on the weekends they spend with their father. He has plans for them to sit in their rooms and clean and obey and learn how to respect him. These plans are much more important than any life they may have outside of their quantity time with their dad.
Please note: This exhaustive list of do’s and don’ts is incomplete. As I sink my claws deeper into you and brain wash you and your kids even more towards my twisted views of life, I will add more and more impossible rules. The list for your ex-wife is definitely incomplete. I’ve just started on that one. I will find ways to belittle her through her children and therefore impose rules on her that she will have no control over. I am the master… the master puppeteer and you will obey my every command, my every tug of the string. You will move when I move you. I will do your thinking for you… no need for you to even attempt it. I will pull you out when I need you and tuck you away in your storage box when I don’t. You are my puppet. Don’t forget it!
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