Surrounded By Death

Surrounded By Death

It is a beautiful Friday morning and I am home sick. I have coughed up at least one lung and the other is just barely hanging in there. Of course, not literally, but it sure feels that way. Along with being sick I am melancholy. I think part of the sadness just comes from not feeling 100%. Being sick throws me off from my normal pattern and therefore, my life falls out of balance. But there are clearly other reasons for the darkness as well.

Yesterday, my friend Wendy was buried. After succumbing to her cancer on Good Friday, she was laid to rest in a beautiful shaded grave at the very cemetery I would like to be buried at. The graves there are so individualized, expressing each persons uniqueness and defining them as their own person. I like that. Many come and leave flowers in remembrance making the place colorful and cheerful in opposition to the very idea of it being a sad place. I was glad her “dear Bernie” picked such a beautiful spot for her. Her children, 3, 5 and 13 will have opportunities to visit their mom, even though her soul is not there. Her memorial place where her body lays will be a place they can go to quietly remember.

It is sad and yet I am elated for her at the same time. She is in heaven, rejoicing. She got to be there on EASTER! What a great day to be in heaven! She reunited with Valera, Candice and Amy and all the others she has known throughout her life that preceded her to the kingdom. She is no longer in pain. She no longer has to worry about anything here on earth. She is with Jesus, living under the brilliant radiance of God’s unfailing, magnificent love. And yet, I miss her already. I miss her daily faith filled updates of her journey with cancer. I miss her positive, ‘I’m going to beat this’ attitude. I miss her wry sense of humor. I miss her smile. I miss her devotion to her girls and to her “dear” Bernie. I miss her.

And missing her reminds me that I miss Candice. And I miss Amy and Valera. And most of all I miss Bill. Who hasn’t died at all, but is gone. The dream has died and I continue to mourn it’s passing.

Also on Good Friday, my friend Kimmie, whose girls, Annabelle and Millie ride on my bus, lost her mother. I hurt for her. Today, she is burying her mother and my heart goes out to her as she grieves.

Monday afternoon, as I jumped in my bus, late, to do my afternoon route, I rushed to pick up my bus aide. I wasn’t paying attention to the radio. As we turned down Northgate headed for Northwest High School we came upon a horrific accident scene. Traffic had come to a halt in both directions. Sirens wailed as emergency vehicle after emergency vehicle flew past us. We knew it was bad. Another small bus sat pulled off the road with her emergency flashers on at the site of the wreck. We could see the driver moving about the scene. She came on the radio hysterical, crying how bad it was and that she needed someone from the office to come right away. We were quite a few cars back in the traffic flow and could see the milling of activity around the scene but could not exactly make out what had happened. My bus aide, a retired pastor, and I began to pray. I prayed for the occupants of the vehicle, not knowing than how many might be involved. I prayed for the emergency workers. And I prayed for the other bus driver who was caught up in a frenzy of panic. 25 minutes passed before we were allowed to pass the accident scene. It was indeed bad. The driver of the crashed SUV had been taken to the hospital still alive but with life threatening injuries. There was debris from the wreck everywhere. A tire had flown off the car, the entire front end was smashed beyond recognition, parts of the 2 trees that he had hit while airborne where all over the road along with various parts of his vehicle. The light pole that had been sheered off at it’s base lay broken, parts flung 300 feet away. After seeing the scene, I couldn’t imagine how anyone could live through it.

I found out later that the 21 year old driver had been traveling at a very high rate of speed. It was a straightaway so I’m not sure what caused him to veer into the median. Speculation would include texting, or possibly just reaching down to grab something, or maybe he just lost control. But when he hit the median, he went airborne, hitting a tree, then sheering off the light pole, hitting another tree and then coming to rest sideways, partways on the median and partways off. The other school bus driver had seen the SUV go airborne and thought he was going to fly into her. No wonder she was so frantic. The driver of the one vehicle accident was ejected at some point while the car was flying through the air. He had lain on the road, his body badly damaged, right in front of the school bus with young preschool children on it.

I learned from a friend at church through a facebook post on Tuesday that this was the son of a friend of hers. The young man I had been praying for had a name. His mom actually went to our church. On Wednesday I had enough information from my friend to be able to pass on the information and an urgent prayer request to Belinda, the care pastor at our church. Along with my news, someone else had sent along a prayer request for the young man as well. The young mans aunt and uncle also attend our church. Wednesday evening, Gary (ICCC lead pastor) and Belinda were able to visit the hospital where the young man had been taken. They arrived to find the family gathered in a waiting room of the ICU, having learned that their precious 21 year old son/cousin/nephew/friend had died two hours prior.

Another young life taken too soon.

I struggle with the why. I struggle with the magnitude. Why so many in so short a period of time? First Gail. Then Valera. And just since the beginning of the year, Candice, Amy, Paul Kendall, an infant son of friends from Breakthrough who died after being born premature, Wendy, Kimmie’s mom, and now this young man. And then there’s that persistant death of my dream of my family being reunited in health. Why? I’m surrounded by death.

I know as with everything else in my life that I can’t question it. I just have to trust that God has a plan and He is God so He knows what He’s doing. I am comforted by the fact that all those who have passed are in such a better place. If I couldn’t believe that I think the grief would be so overwhelming that I just might die in it myself. 2 Corinthians 4:11 says: “Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies.”

I am participating in a bible study at church on Wednesday nights. It is Beth Moore’s Breaking Free study. I have never before experienced something like it. I love it and through the 9 weeks I have participated so far, the bondages and chains that have broken free from my life are miraculous. She talks about loss in Week 5 of the study. I will close with the following thoughts from her.

“Nothing is more natural than grief after a devastating loss, but those of us in Christ can experience satisfying life again. When our hearts have been shattered by loss, we have an opportunity to welcome a supernatural power to our lives. It doesn’t come any other way. That is the power to live again when we’d really rather die. It is a power that displays the life of Christ in us like no other because it defies all odds. God becomes the only explanation for our emotional survival and revival. PERHAPS THE MOST PROFOUND MIRACLE OF ALL IS LIVING THROUGH SOMETHING WE THOUGHT WOULD KILL US. And not just living, but living abundantly and effectively-- raised from living death to a new life. A LIFE INDEED ABSENT OF SOMETHING OR SOMEONE DEAR BUT FILLED WITH THE PRESENCE OF THE RESURRECTION AND THE LIFE.”

Beth didn’t capitalize those portions of her script but I felt they were so important that I did. May you live today in the comfort of knowing that your grief or loss can and will lead to a greater relationship with Him who loves you unfailingly. That you have been faced with a challenge, albeit forced upon you, to allow the loss to bring gain for Jesus. Any other way will just lead to a greater loss, the most debilitating loss of all, the loss of faith.

Thank you, Jesus, for this challenge today.