Nancy's Nurturing Nuggets

The Black Widow

2010-04-23T20:19:00.000-07:00

Another day
A little more information
It’s more than clear
She’s the Black Widow.

She hides in her web
Rough and sticky
The silk indomitable
to the unwise
Waiting quietly for her prey.

If she’s disturbed or threatened
She’ll rush to bite
But mostly she just lays in wait
For her victim to come to her.

When he’s firmly ensnared
In her inescapable web
She sinks in her teeth
And ever so slowly
Sucks the life right out of him.

By the time the acute pain hits
It’s too late.
She has him and won’t let go.
Cramps, weakness, tremors
As the nervous system comes under attack
He can’t breathe
He’s dizzy
Feels like a heart attack.

She’s the black widow

Her mate wanders in search of her
Unaware that their coupling
Could be his last.
When he has served her purpose
She becomes his executioner,
Insecticide
His greatest fear

Not only does she destroy him
But she devours him as well
Taking everything that is his
Leaving nothing behind.

She may spawn young
Many in fact
But she’s the black widow
And only a few will survive

She is savage, brutal
A cannibal at heart.
Most of her babes
Will never see the light

She has no use for them
Even before they have a chance
They will die
Consumed as if they had no worth.

She is the evil doer
dangerous, poisonous, toxic
She may fool by her hourglass shape
But only a fool will respond.
Blinded by her false appeal
Trapped in her invisible web.

She is notorious
For her bloodthirsty courtship
And yet he is drawn to her.
He doesn’t know why.
Allured by a power
Beyond his understanding.

She is the Black Widow.

Surrounded By Death

2010-04-09T08:44:00.000-07:00

Surrounded By Death

It is a beautiful Friday morning and I am home sick. I have coughed up at least one lung and the other is just barely hanging in there. Of course, not literally, but it sure feels that way. Along with being sick I am melancholy. I think part of the sadness just comes from not feeling 100%. Being sick throws me off from my normal pattern and therefore, my life falls out of balance. But there are clearly other reasons for the darkness as well.

Yesterday, my friend Wendy was buried. After succumbing to her cancer on Good Friday, she was laid to rest in a beautiful shaded grave at the very cemetery I would like to be buried at. The graves there are so individualized, expressing each persons uniqueness and defining them as their own person. I like that. Many come and leave flowers in remembrance making the place colorful and cheerful in opposition to the very idea of it being a sad place. I was glad her “dear Bernie” picked such a beautiful spot for her. Her children, 3, 5 and 13 will have opportunities to visit their mom, even though her soul is not there. Her memorial place where her body lays will be a place they can go to quietly remember.

It is sad and yet I am elated for her at the same time. She is in heaven, rejoicing. She got to be there on EASTER! What a great day to be in heaven! She reunited with Valera, Candice and Amy and all the others she has known throughout her life that preceded her to the kingdom. She is no longer in pain. She no longer has to worry about anything here on earth. She is with Jesus, living under the brilliant radiance of God’s unfailing, magnificent love. And yet, I miss her already. I miss her daily faith filled updates of her journey with cancer. I miss her positive, ‘I’m going to beat this’ attitude. I miss her wry sense of humor. I miss her smile. I miss her devotion to her girls and to her “dear” Bernie. I miss her.

And missing her reminds me that I miss Candice. And I miss Amy and Valera. And most of all I miss Bill. Who hasn’t died at all, but is gone. The dream has died and I continue to mourn it’s passing.

Also on Good Friday, my friend Kimmie, whose girls, Annabelle and Millie ride on my bus, lost her mother. I hurt for her. Today, she is burying her mother and my heart goes out to her as she grieves.

Monday afternoon, as I jumped in my bus, late, to do my afternoon route, I rushed to pick up my bus aide. I wasn’t paying attention to the radio. As we turned down Northgate headed for Northwest High School we came upon a horrific accident scene. Traffic had come to a halt in both directions. Sirens wailed as emergency vehicle after emergency vehicle flew past us. We knew it was bad. Another small bus sat pulled off the road with her emergency flashers on at the site of the wreck. We could see the driver moving about the scene. She came on the radio hysterical, crying how bad it was and that she needed someone from the office to come right away. We were quite a few cars back in the traffic flow and could see the milling of activity around the scene but could not exactly make out what had happened. My bus aide, a retired pastor, and I began to pray. I prayed for the occupants of the vehicle, not knowing than how many might be involved. I prayed for the emergency workers. And I prayed for the other bus driver who was caught up in a frenzy of panic. 25 minutes passed before we were allowed to pass the accident scene. It was indeed bad. The driver of the crashed SUV had been taken to the hospital still alive but with life threatening injuries. There was debris from the wreck everywhere. A tire had flown off the car, the entire front end was smashed beyond recognition, parts of the 2 trees that he had hit while airborne where all over the road along with various parts of his vehicle. The light pole that had been sheered off at it’s base lay broken, parts flung 300 feet away. After seeing the scene, I couldn’t imagine how anyone could live through it.

I found out later that the 21 year old driver had been traveling at a very high rate of speed. It was a straightaway so I’m not sure what caused him to veer into the median. Speculation would include texting, or possibly just reaching down to grab something, or maybe he just lost control. But when he hit the median, he went airborne, hitting a tree, then sheering off the light pole, hitting another tree and then coming to rest sideways, partways on the median and partways off. The other school bus driver had seen the SUV go airborne and thought he was going to fly into her. No wonder she was so frantic. The driver of the one vehicle accident was ejected at some point while the car was flying through the air. He had lain on the road, his body badly damaged, right in front of the school bus with young preschool children on it.

I learned from a friend at church through a facebook post on Tuesday that this was the son of a friend of hers. The young man I had been praying for had a name. His mom actually went to our church. On Wednesday I had enough information from my friend to be able to pass on the information and an urgent prayer request to Belinda, the care pastor at our church. Along with my news, someone else had sent along a prayer request for the young man as well. The young mans aunt and uncle also attend our church. Wednesday evening, Gary (ICCC lead pastor) and Belinda were able to visit the hospital where the young man had been taken. They arrived to find the family gathered in a waiting room of the ICU, having learned that their precious 21 year old son/cousin/nephew/friend had died two hours prior.

Another young life taken too soon.

I struggle with the why. I struggle with the magnitude. Why so many in so short a period of time? First Gail. Then Valera. And just since the beginning of the year, Candice, Amy, Paul Kendall, an infant son of friends from Breakthrough who died after being born premature, Wendy, Kimmie’s mom, and now this young man. And then there’s that persistant death of my dream of my family being reunited in health. Why? I’m surrounded by death.

I know as with everything else in my life that I can’t question it. I just have to trust that God has a plan and He is God so He knows what He’s doing. I am comforted by the fact that all those who have passed are in such a better place. If I couldn’t believe that I think the grief would be so overwhelming that I just might die in it myself. 2 Corinthians 4:11 says: “Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies.”

I am participating in a bible study at church on Wednesday nights. It is Beth Moore’s Breaking Free study. I have never before experienced something like it. I love it and through the 9 weeks I have participated so far, the bondages and chains that have broken free from my life are miraculous. She talks about loss in Week 5 of the study. I will close with the following thoughts from her.

“Nothing is more natural than grief after a devastating loss, but those of us in Christ can experience satisfying life again. When our hearts have been shattered by loss, we have an opportunity to welcome a supernatural power to our lives. It doesn’t come any other way. That is the power to live again when we’d really rather die. It is a power that displays the life of Christ in us like no other because it defies all odds. God becomes the only explanation for our emotional survival and revival. PERHAPS THE MOST PROFOUND MIRACLE OF ALL IS LIVING THROUGH SOMETHING WE THOUGHT WOULD KILL US. And not just living, but living abundantly and effectively-- raised from living death to a new life. A LIFE INDEED ABSENT OF SOMETHING OR SOMEONE DEAR BUT FILLED WITH THE PRESENCE OF THE RESURRECTION AND THE LIFE.”

Beth didn’t capitalize those portions of her script but I felt they were so important that I did. May you live today in the comfort of knowing that your grief or loss can and will lead to a greater relationship with Him who loves you unfailingly. That you have been faced with a challenge, albeit forced upon you, to allow the loss to bring gain for Jesus. Any other way will just lead to a greater loss, the most debilitating loss of all, the loss of faith.

Thank you, Jesus, for this challenge today.

The Puppeteer's Commands and Demands

2010-02-19T09:18:00.000-08:00

The Puppeteer's
Commands and Demands

For the Puppet

-You must run any music you want to add to your Ipod by me before you load it. I need to make sure it is appropriate.
-You are not allowed to communicate with your ex girlfriend unless I am present.
-You are not allowed to see or communicate with your ex girlfriend’s children.
-You are not allowed to communicate with your ex wife except in matters pertaining to your children. Even then it must be very limited and it must be approved, edited or written by me. Responses to questions she asks are not necessary. Any attempt by her towards friendship or a civil relationship will be ignored.
-You may not have any friends that I do not approve of.
-You must open all doors for me. I will wait in the car or by the door if you forget until you return and open it for me.
-You must give up hobbies that I don’t approve of. For instance, you are no longer allowed to enjoy Nascar. I find the sport loud and distasteful.
-If you have memorabilia relating to such hobbies, you must rid yourself of that clutter.
-You are not allowed to go to your favorite restaurant, Texas Roadhouse. It is too loud in there.
-You may not go bowling, it is too loud.
-You may not watch TV. It fills your mind with junk and is not necessary. Nor are you allowed to let your children watch TV when they are with you.
-You must accompany me at my every whim. If I demand for you to be by my side, you must obey.
-You may not spend money on anything that is not approved by me.
-You may not entertain your children any longer with trips to do things and especially if it costs you monetarily. They do not respect you and do not deserve it.
-You must find me cute when I obnoxiously yell at your son’s sporting events, embarrassing him and his teammates.
-You must attend every group I instruct you to go to. You must attend religiously and faithfully. You may not pick your own groups, you must go to the ones I pick for you.
-You may not help your children out with needless activities that are scheduled out of your control on your weekends with them. Examples include sitting with them so they can raise money for Camp Fire. Allowing them to attend birthday parties or church functions (unless of course, they are for my church).
-You may not, under any circumstance, help your ex wife out financially beyond what is spelled out in the divorce agreement.
-You may not perform any Godly acts for her to help her out either. She can find someone else to do needed repairs around the house.
-I will be allowed to discipline your children at any time and in any way as I see fit.
-Your children will not be allowed cell phones, they are too young.
-You may not leave your children home alone even though by law they are old enough for you to do so. I believe they are too young. If for some stupid reason you make a serious error in judgment and leave them home, I will call them every 10 minutes on the second to check in on them. You are to instruct them if they do not pick up the phone when I call that you will impose serious consequences.
-You will not help with your children’s activities during the week or spend any time with them during the week. You will be too busy in the groups I have assigned you.
-(Assumed) You will study your bible religiously every day. You will spend xx number of minutes/hours in prayer. You will not deter from your schedule. You must obey the laws of God or He will strike you down. It’s all about performance. And you will perform to what I perceive to be HIS standards.
-(Assumed) You must worship with overwhelming joy in church no matter how you feel. It’s all about performance and you must perform up to the standards expected of you. If you don’t, God will be displeased with you and He will punish you. And I will definitely be displeased with you.
-If for any reason, you run into your ex-wife at your child’s school for something like lunch, you may not stay if she is eating with her child as well. I will demand to go with you on occasion to make sure you are following this rule. You must not be in her company under any circumstances. She is a sinner.
-When you do not do what I want and I rightfully become angry with you, I will not talk to you. Or I will storm out. Or I will push you and become physical. You will not retaliate in any way.
-You may not eat red meat any longer. You must not eat chicken with the skin on. It also must be grilled or baked. You may not drink skim milk as it is bad for you. You must drink soy milk instead. You may not eat peanuts, they are bad for you. You must follow my dietary guidelines.
-You will not visit your family without me.
-Any attempts by anyone to get you out of this relationship with me will be immediately squashed. All of those people who act like they are interested in your best interests are being led by Satan. Do not pay attention to them. Only listen to me. I know what is best for you.
-You are not to ever be stronger than I am spiritually. You must continue to work towards my level of spirituality but never surpass me.
-You must allow me to make up for the mistakes I made with my own children which resulted in my loss of custody of them with your children.

For the puppet’s children

-You must obey your father even if you find his demands unreasonable.
-You must respect your father whether he deserves it or not.
-You must respect me and obey my commands.
-You will not watch TV. It is not good for you and pollutes your mind with junk. It is also sinful.
-You may not play football in the house or in any way act like boys. I do not like it when you play football in the house.
-You must open all doors for me. I demand this respect. If you do not I will stand there or sit in the car until you do.
-You must stand up, wave your arms, sing and act like you are enjoying yourself when we attend worship and praise at church. You are not allowed to sit down through this. It’s all about performance. You must perform for God or He will be displeased with you and you will be punished.
-You must not mess up my apartment in any way. If you do, there will be consequences. You may not drop anything on the carpet, leave smudges in the bathroom, etc. You will treat my living space with the same respect I expect from you.
-You will keep the space you have at your father’s house neat and tidy at all times. If at any time, it is not obsessively neat and clean, you will spend hours cleaning it until it is.

For the puppet’s ex-wife

-You will not have a beer or glass of wine on occasion. It is a sin. I have instructed your children in the wrongness of your actions.
-You will not schedule any activities for your children on the weekends they spend with their father. He has plans for them to sit in their rooms and clean and obey and learn how to respect him. These plans are much more important than any life they may have outside of their quantity time with their dad.

Please note: This exhaustive list of do’s and don’ts is incomplete. As I sink my claws deeper into you and brain wash you and your kids even more towards my twisted views of life, I will add more and more impossible rules. The list for your ex-wife is definitely incomplete. I’ve just started on that one. I will find ways to belittle her through her children and therefore impose rules on her that she will have no control over. I am the master… the master puppeteer and you will obey my every command, my every tug of the string. You will move when I move you. I will do your thinking for you… no need for you to even attempt it. I will pull you out when I need you and tuck you away in your storage box when I don’t. You are my puppet. Don’t forget it!

Anger and Emow

2009-11-17T18:49:00.000-08:00

Anger. It’s like a smoking, smoldering pile of debris that suddenly and forcefully bursts into a huge ball of flames, threatening to devour and destroy everything in it’s path. Yet it is a necessary stage of mourning. Personally, I hate anger because anger produces hate. At least that has been my experience in the past and now in the present. I don’t like to feel consumed by an emotion. I don’t like to feel like it can burst forth like fire at any moment with just the right amount of fuel.

But no doubt about it, that is exactly where I am right now. Angry!

I went off to Knoxville and shared a wonderful visit with my sister, my dad and his wife for my sister’s 50th birthday. It was a much needed, although short, jaunt away from home… and with no kids! But Bill didn’t make it easy. He has said and done some very hurtful things towards the boys and I had to scramble to find an alternate plan for Chris the weekend I was gone because Bill told him he did not want him there that weekend. Chris was able to go to a retreat at church so that helped. But he was with his dad Sunday night as I didn’t fly back until Monday.

When I returned, Chris told me how his dad had blown up at him Sunday night because Chris was fighting with his brother. He sent him to his room and to bed early and Chris was unable to make the cupcakes he was supposed to make for CampFire. Chris acted out all week and I even got a call from one of his teachers saying Chris was behaving somewhat violently in his class. In the meantime, Bill called me and talked to me like we were old friends or something. After the conversation, the anger hit… full force. How dare him talk to me like I’m his friend. I don’t like him, as a matter of fact, hate would be closer to how I feel. Hate expresses emotion and just like anger is a symptom of hurt.

Later in the week, I was talking with the boys when they told me that their dad had made them sit and watch while he formally asked Alicia to marry him the previous Sunday. Chris’ behavior that week suddenly made sense. Chris and I were able to have a good long talk about his feelings towards the whole thing after that and he calmed down. But I was incensed. First that Bill would expect them to feel the same joy that he felt about everything. Second that he didn’t even consider the fact that something like that might not be what his sons wanted too and that he couldn’t recognize his own son acting out of his own disappointment at his dad’s selfish acts once again. Third that he went out and bought her a diamond ring while I can’t afford to go grocery shopping right now.

I also learned that they set a date. July 12. Which is a Monday. And which is also my brother’s birthday. It makes me sick that they would so callously pick a date that means something to me and ruin it for forevermore. Chris has since told me that he told his dad that was my brother’s birthday and that I wished they would pick a different date and Bill said he didn’t care. He doesn’t care about much these days, except her and himself.

Since then, the boys have spent another weekend with him during which time he said several hateful hurtful things. On Sunday, he blew up at Chris, threw him across the room and tried to spank him. Of course, none of this ever happens when she is around. Only when the boys are alone with him. When he dropped them off, early, he told Chris that he could keep lying to me about what was happening, that he didn’t really care anymore. Like I said, he doesn’t care about much these days. And I know Chris may exaggerate a bit but I also know Bill and I know he is capable of using anger to control the boys. And I know he’s abusive.

So anyway, back to MY anger. Every time I hear about him or her or them it just rekindles whatever I have managed to tamper down. Last week they spent a week in Florida while I tried to figure out how to pay bills with a negative checking account. And he bought her a gift for their 3 month anniversary. How sweet. I celebrated the same anniversary because I was with him the day of their first date and he was lying to me. Treating me like everything was fine between us, taking me down a road of deceit and betrayal. He celebrated with gifts and kisses. I celebrated with tears. Sounds fair to me.

But the thing that makes me the most angry is the way they have convinced themselves and the boys and probably all their friends and family that God orchestrated their meeting and it is His will for them to be together. And this has been my downfall the past couple of weeks. Slick managed to get a foothold and started working on me. What if that’s true? What if God put them together? Doesn’t that mean then that God intentionally hurt me? And if God intentionally hurt me, that makes me mad. He isn’t who I thought and that means I can’t trust Him either. And if I can’t trust Him, then that’s it, I’m done. There is no where else to turn. I spiraled downwards with the thoughts and lies and ended up in a place where all I could do was protect myself with a wall of steel. But it wasn’t steel because I was still hurting and I was still crying and I was/am angry and I was/am hurt and I was/am wondering if I will ever feel good again.

In the meantime, my finances have been in a mess. I can’t pay my bills. I can’t tithe. I have to charge the groceries and any other necessities. Some bills are now overdue. I fell into a hole and am having a heck of a time getting out. Chris needed new shoes very badly. Not only did I not have time the week before last to get them but I couldn’t afford them. I sent him to his dad’s hoping his dad would help out and buy him some shoes. He did, but not without making it clear that “he didn’t care if I didn’t have the money to buy Chris new shoes, I should have done it anyway!”

On Sunday, this all became too much. I felt humiliated that I was at this place of financial struggle…again! AGAIN! I was angry with God, with myself and with Bill. I was angry that I had to feel angry again. I’ve done this once already with Bill. I was able to forgive him but it took a long time. Now, I’m back to this place of unforgiveness and don’t see any possibility of a pardon any time soon. All I could think was that all of it is a big joke. A big joke on me.

I found myself sobbing through the service. A service about generosity. I thought about how much I would LIKE to be generous. How much I would like to be able to give away my money, help those who are in a tight place. Not be the one who needs the help, more than ever before. During communion, I found myself walking down to the prayer partners, without a clue of what I wanted to say. All I could do was sit there and cry. Finally, I admitted my shame of having to come up and ask for help. My shame of not being able to feed my kids without going farther into debt. My anger at God for being in this position. I’ve always trusted that I would be ok in the financial department and even though there have been some really tough times, I have always been ok in the financial department. I just trusted God would take care of it.

Now I was feeling like He had abandoned me, that I couldn’t hear His voice, I couldn’t reach Him. That all He was doing was taking things away from me. The love of my life, my security, my trust, my joy. I felt myself falling into a pit of despair, or perhaps I already had. I admitted my utter despair at losing Bill (again) and the anger that has followed at the way he has treated his boys and me, the anger of his ultimate and damaging betrayal, my anger at the unfairness of it all. I spit all this out between sobs, and I have no idea if the prayer partners even understood what I said. It didn’t matter, God did and He heard me.

I don’t understand what is happening right now. I don’t understand this heartache and this trial I am experiencing. I don’t understand why enough isn’t enough. How much do I have to take? I don’t understand why I don’t feel like I can reach God right now. Why He is so silent. Perhaps He’s doing work elsewhere, behind the scenes and I just need to be obedient and trusting. I’m trying, He knows I’m trying. But I’ve also failed. I let Satan get his foot wedged in the door and then he worked it and worked it until he’d pried the door wide open. I’m working hard to slam the door in his face!

Several things happened after the service on Sunday that let me know that God did hear me even though it wasn’t an earth shattering revelation of that knowledge. But it was enough for me to know He hasn’t abandoned me. That He is there. That he can hear me when I talk to Him. That He is at work. It was just enough for me to realize the lies that I had listened to, just enough for me to know that I can’t give up, just enough for me to trust only Him for right now. And wait. Wait. Wait.

I saw a friend that I hadn’t seen in a long time and had been thinking about very recently, wondering how she was doing. She told me about how my sharing of my time and heart had meant so much to so many. She couldn’t possibly have known how much I needed to hear that. While I was talking to her, another friend came up and pressed a bill into my hand. She said that God told her to give it to me and she didn’t know why. She thanked me for being such a great table leader in Alpha. She couldn’t have possibly known I was going to the pet store after I left church to buy flea medicine for my cats and I didn’t have the money. I was going to have to charge it. My son Jesse had found a kitten a week + earlier in the storm drain (story to follow). He was infested with fleas and our indoor kitty, Tiffany (Valera’s kitty) had picked them up as well. She couldn’t have known that the medicine would cost me exactly $1.62 more than the $50 she had pressed into my hand. One less thing I had to worry about. Later I talked to a friend online and was able to share my heart with her a little bit. When she signed off, she said I love you. She couldn’t have known how much I needed to hear that.

God was listening and He was letting me know it… through a series of small encounters. And He was answering me in a way I never would have considered. It was like He was the one speaking and doing through my friends. He does use us as vessels, doesn’t He? He reminded me that I don’t have to be rich to be generous. I give with my time. I give of my heart. I love. And I care. I don’t have to give my negative checking balance away to be generous. All I have to do is keep trying to live the life of freedom He wants for me.

Even though I still had to go out and charge my groceries, even though my bills still sit in a pile unpaid, even though my ex is still on the warpath, even though my kids are still suffering the effects of their dad’s abuse, I can know that God will see me (and them) through. Even when the light is dim and it seems to be growing dimmer. God is there. I can’t say I feel wonderful. I can’t say I feel the joy I’ve been missing. I can’t say I’m at peace. I still hurt. I still worry about the money. I’m still angry. I still can’t forgive. But I know I’m not walking the path alone. God loves me! He loves me! And He will see me through.

Before I go, I wanted to share the kitten story with you. For weeks before Jesse found Emow, I kept seeing black cats. I decided that when I saw a black cat it was a sign of luck for me, that things were going to turn around. Of course we are all aware that a black cat crossing your path is considered bad luck. But I was determined to think just the opposite, especially since I was seeing so many black cats. Then one day I got home from work and Jesse excitedly leads me through the house to show me something. I see something tiny dart up the stairs. He followed it up and carries down a darling cute, jet black kitten. Not a spot of color on him. He is meowing pitifully, crying and then purring and talking to us when we held him. Jesse says they have already named him Emow. I said what does that mean and he says it means meow. (Later, I found out the older kids called him emo, short for emotional, because he was so vocal!) So the name stuck.

We tried to return Emow to the storm drain, thinking that mommy may have actually had him down there. He didn’t want to have anything to do with that and followed the boys back home meowing loudly the whole way. Then we put up signs claiming our find and offering him for adoption if no one claimed him. No one called. Emow cried whenever he didn’t know where we were. He slept curled up by Jesse’s neck the first night and curled up by mine the following two while the boys were at their dads. He was the sweetest little baby kitten (actually we thought ‘he’ was a ‘she’). Around midweek we had a message on the machine about a possible lost kitten from a litter someone’s momma kitty had recently had. We called the number back at the end of the week and found out quickly that Emow had probably come from the litter. The person lived quite a ways away so we found out the story of how Emow had come to be in the storm drain.

Momma kitty was actually a stray who hung out around this person’s house. They left food for her on the porch. She had several litters of kittens. The latest litter had been born in an old car on the first day of school, 3 babies. One day, just a couple of days before we found Emow, the mom was rushing to take her daughter to school. She jumped in the car and rushed off. Unfortunately, two of the kittens had climbed up into the underside of the engine. One was killed. The other was apparently thrown free of the car (or jumped, who knows) into the storm drain where Jesse found him, a mile or so from where they had started their journey. A neighbor who lived by the storm drain had said they had heard the kitten crying for a couple of days and thought he was stuck down there. The mom had no idea what had happened to the kitten but hoped that he had made it and that someone had found him and taken him in. Sure enough, someone had!

Because it didn’t sound like they were going to try real hard to find the kitten a home and would possibly let it become a ferrel cat, we decided to keep Emow. And really, how couldn’t we after that story. Emow IS lucky! We found out they had called him Orion after the constellation. So now Emow’s official name is Lucky Emow Orion Govero (nickname Emow). He’s still sweet as can be but has stopped crying and fits right in our crazy family of too many kitties. He is playful and well adjusted. And now, because someone listened to God, he is rid of his fleas! And when I think about it, I know that God put the thought in my head that black cats are lucky. Otherwise, this story wouldn’t mean quite so much. It was just another way that God was able to say, “Wow, look how generous you are, opening your home to yet another cat when you already have so many. I knew I could count on you to take care of my living, breathing, loved creature. Thank you!”

And so life continues….

Loyalty

2009-10-11T15:59:00.000-07:00

Awhile back, after I wrote “My Story” and posted it on Facebook, which by the way, I didn’t realize was going to go onto ALL my friends homepages, a FB friend posted a status that read, “You are not real, nor are you loyal.” It would be presumptuous of me to assume he posted that in response to my blog posts, but it did get me to thinking about loyalty. I’ve been thinking about it for quite awhile now actually.

I did some internet research about loyalty and loyalty in the bible. One site had this written: “In the dictionary, the word loyal means unswerving in allegiance as 1) faithful allegiance to one’s sovereign or government, 2) faithful to a private person to whom fidelity is due, 3) faithful to a cause, ideal or custom. Synonyms are: faithful, allegiance, devotion, dedication, constant, unwavering, steady, unfailing.”

I have no problem with disagreeing, if the status was concerning me, that I am absolutely 100% real. I don’t mince words, I tell the truth, I share my heart. That is real. To be false would be to hide my feelings, hide my story as if I have something to be ashamed of. As for loyalty, I guess that depends on what your definition of loyalty is. How do you feel about it? One thing I think it’s important to point out is that the definition above implies that who you are loyal to should be deserving of your loyalty.

By telling my story I did have to include some pretty damaging stuff about Bill. It didn’t make him sound like the greatest person in the world. But I couldn’t tell my story without those parts. I couldn’t share my struggle and fight to climb above it without explaining what the fight was about. I didn’t write my story to destroy Bill. I wrote my story because it was MY STORY. Not his. Mine.

I can see how this particular person might feel that I was being disloyal to Bill by writing what I wrote. Perhaps even being disloyal to his entire family. But this is the deal as I see it. Number one, Bill does not at this point in time deserve my loyalty. I have trusted him, been faithful to him, been dedicated to him, been unwavering in my love for him, been devoted to him, and on and on, and repeatedly he has stomped on that trust, has been unfaithful to me, has walked away when the fight got to be too scary, too tough. He no longer deserves any of the synonyms for loyalty from me. I am no longer responsible to be any of those synonyms to him either. When he walked I was set free.

Secondly, I believe too many equate loyalty, especially in a family, with keeping the truth of the dysfunctional ways of that family a secret. Isn’t it societies way to cover up all the bad stuff that happens behind the closed front door of our familial home? Is that loyalty? Keeping your dirty secrets secret? I know many families have had some pretty damaging stuff happen over the years. But yet, no one ever talks about it. They pretend like it doesn’t exist, it never happened. And if anyone in the family was to be “real” and admit to the damage, to the hurt they had experienced, the rest of the family would be completely shocked, maybe even accuse them of making it up and worst of all, cut them off for coming clean. I mean seriously, how often do you think this happens? All the time! The shame is too great. God forbid that anyone should find healing by being honest and real.

What do you think would happen if you were “disloyal” or a better, more true word, “real”, and admitted that you make mistakes? Admitted that your childhood growing up wasn’t perfect like you’ve led everyone to believe? Admitted that you have wounds that need to be healed? What do you think would happen if you wrote your own story and included all the dirty secret details? The thought makes you shudder, doesn’t it? You are thinking, I couldn’t possibly… what would people think… I would be ostracized… I would be so ashamed… I might just die if I told everyone that…

Maybe you are thinking it would be disloyal to your family, your friends, your husband, your wife, your children. But would it really? What if the only way to true healing, the only way to living freely in God’s love was through that pain? Was through admitting the existence of the wound and doing the work necessary to heal it? What if the only way to living strong was in admitting your weakness? What if the only way to trusting, being loyal to each other was through exposing the secrets?

What would the world look like if everyone faced their dark demons instead of hiding them behind masks and deep down in their souls? I bet there would be a lot less alcoholism, drug use, cancer, disease, suicide. I bet people would be happier, more content, less stressed. I bet they could have “real” conversations with each other instead of the strained ones we tend to have these days. When someone said “how are you”, you could answer them honestly. Wow, how would that be?

I challenge you today to take just one small step to facing a demon in your life. I challenge you to admit it’s there. I’m not saying write your whole story and post it on Facebook like I did, but just tell one person about one small event that has brought you shame in your life. And then work through it. You will be amazed at how freeing it is. You will be amazed at how it lifts your spirit, your soul. And I’m willing to bet you will want to do a little more releasing as time goes on. Take it slow, one small step at a time. You don’t have to live in that prison you have built for yourself. We ALL have shame… ALL of us. You are not alone. Remember that and remember that God is with you every step of the way through the journey of healing.

I think one reason that quite a few people felt like I should not share my journey publicly was because it made them anxious. They probably weren’t able to pinpoint that. They probably thought they were being well meaning and perhaps they were. But I also think they may have grown up with that belief that you just don’t tell your dirty family secrets. As a result their own level of anxiety rose, they couldn’t imagine that someone would actually write those truths, I mean, really, think of the people that might see it! But what they can’t understand is that no matter who sees it, someone who does is going to change for the better because of it. It might just be one person, but for that one person it made a difference. And that’s all that matters to me.

So loyal or disloyal? I don’t know. Real? Yes. And that’s how I strive to live. God loves me just the way I am, so if He’s ok with me, I am too!

Tough Day

2009-10-04T14:53:00.000-07:00

It's been a tough day! I wasn't prepared to hear the message Gary spoke this morning. He talked about how men are warriors at heart and they should fight for a cause, whether it be their wives, children, family, church, etc. etc. I sat there listening, my heart remembering all the times that I was the enemy instead of the enemy being the enemy, including now. My heart broke because he never fought that fight for me. My heart broke because he wasn't there to hear the message. Instead he believes that the church he once attended is giving out "wrong" messages and has expressed to his kids that he doesn't believe they will learn what they need to learn there. Funny, I don't ever remember him sitting in on their classes so that he would know exactly what they were learning.

Last night I took 6 teenagers to World's of Fun. I wanted to have fun with them. I wanted it to just be a time to forget. But instead I remembered that last Halloween time, we went to WOF together several times as a family. And now I was there alone and I couldn't help but be very sad. Knowing that he had gone just the week before with "socks" (that's my new nickname for her) and the boys. Replaced me with a taller, skinnier, blonder version. How do you not feel that sick feeling that she is with YOUR family.... YOUR kids.... YOUR husband?

How do you stop loving?

How do you let go?

One thing Gary said this morning stuck like glue. And it is exactly what I've been trying my hardest to do. And that is to not focus on the problem because it will only lead to feeling overwhelmed by it. But instead keep your eyes focused on God. God is BIGGER THAN the problem. It's still not going to be easy, but HE is my ONLY way out of this. So I will continue to keep my eyes focused on him. Through the grief, through the pain, through the times of rejoicing, through it all... HE is all I need!

The Pit

2009-09-30T11:29:00.000-07:00

You walked to the edge and looked in. The promise of the ride of your life stared back at you. The promise of a happily ever after lured you in. You didn’t even think about it. You didn’t look where you were going. You just jumped. Feet first without looking back. We were there, watching you leave us.

The pit was so cleverly disguised with pretty flowers and butterflies. You were immediately blinded by the vivid colors, sweet aromas and the songs that must have been sung by an angel. Spellbound by the magic, you let yourself go. You let yourself fall.

You never even saw the muck and mire that held your feet fast, ever so slowly sucking you deeply into the depths. You ignored the snakes slithering around your ankles. What beauty, what love, what joy surrounded you. It’s all you could see. He laughs hysterically. He dances the devil’s dance. He knows he has you. As your feet sink deeper and deeper and the snakes strike at your legs you still choose to be blinded.

The young ones stand at the edge watching you. They are confused for they see the flowers but they also sense the snakes. They can’t understand why you jumped so carelessly. Why you didn’t consider them before you leapt. But I know. You’ve done it before.

Jumping looked like the easy way out. The disguise looked different from times past. Actually, he was really very, very clever this time, using your spiritual climb as a weapon in the form of an invitation. But the result is the same. You are trapped. Deep in a pit with the appearance of a heavenly place. After all, he doesn’t want you to figure it out until it’s too late.

Will it be too late for you this time? Will the muck and mire reach your mouth and nose before you realize where you really are? Will the snakes strike at your face, squeeze the very breath out of you, choke you before you begin the fight for your life? Will you fight for you life?

The young ones feel desperate to reach you. They wonder what they did wrong to make you turn away from them. They are torn between reaching their hands down to you in an effort to pull you out but also with the risk that they will be pulled in with you, and watching from the edge, hoping and praying you will just look up and see them. See the hurt in their eyes of feeling abandoned. See their need for your love and guidance and full attention. They aren’t ready to get up and walk away from the edge. They can’t follow me just yet.

Too many times have I been pulled down into that despicable pit with you. Too many times have I sat crying on the edge for you. Desperate for you to see me. Desperate for you to grab my hand so I could pull you to safety. The snakes have bitten my ankles, my legs, my torso. The mud has reached a dangerously high level on my body. I’ve always managed to scramble out. But the fight to freedom is never easy. What may have looked like an easy way out became a fight for my life.

Not this time. Not anymore. This is your fight now. When and if you choose to see the truth, my hand will not be there for you to grasp onto. I’m choosing the difficult path. The one that offers the greatest reward. It’s by far not easy. It’s by far one of the most treacherous and dangerous climbs possible. The risks are high. But I never travel it alone. Never!

As I travel this path, I know there will be times when I am exhausted, weary and worn down from the climb. The way will seem impossible at times, a sheer cliff before me with no hand holds. I might break down, give way to despair, beg to just give up. But He will be there for me. He will hold me as I rest. He will carry me to the top of the cliff. He will encourage me onward. And the vistas along the way, the incredible, breathtaking views of His glory will make every difficult step along the way worthwhile. And eventually, when the time is right, we will reach the top together. My ultimate reward will be waiting there for me. One I can’t even imagine. Greater than my mind is capable of thinking. More wonderful than my wildest dreams. He will bid me in. And I will go with Him.

Oh, how I wanted to make the climb with you. How I wanted to share the beautiful views with the one I so loved. But it’s time to make the journey alone now. I can’t wait any longer. He’s calling my name. I must go with Him.

Message for You

2009-09-27T15:32:00.001-07:00

Having received this message twice today within minutes of each other, I thought perhaps I should share it with you. You may have seen it before... it is a great reminder for all of us!

This is God. Today I will be handling ALL of your problems for you. I do NOT need your help. So, have a nice day. I love you!

P.S. And remember…
If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do NOT attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in the SET ASIDE (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved in MY time, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do NOT hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

Questions

2009-09-21T16:12:00.000-07:00

This past week has brought many ups and downs as you very well know. More downs than ups. I’ve had plenty to mull over in my mind. And I have so many questions. Questions for God mostly, and probably answers I may not ever know.

I’m the type of person who likes to “think” that I can figure things out, that I can figure people out, what makes them tick, what drives them, what leads them to fall. I like to believe that I have a sixth sense in a sort of way, perhaps a gift to read other people and know they have pain they are hiding, or that they feel worthless, or they have never experienced God’s huge love for them. And I want to help them. I want to share that love with them. I want them to be able to see their value in this life and beyond.

I suppose there is some sense of feeling in control when you “think” you know these things about others. What I am experiencing fully in this situation is the complete loss of control. This is reflected in my nightmares. Terrifying dreams that wake me up gasping for air, screaming, even praying out loud for my life. When I dreamed I was in a space capsule that was careening out of control and crashing, not only did my own screaming start bringing me to the surface but I began praying in my dream. My own voice woke me up as I realized I was actually praying out loud for God to save me. When I realized I was awake, I continued praying, by now the tears had come and the paralyzing fear of not having control had consumed me. I prayed out loud to God for half an hour at least. Words spilling out of me and slowly but surely I was able to come to a place where I could realize my value, where I could see that my God is a bigger God than the fear that had so gripped me. By the time I was able to slip back into sleep, I had also prayed for a lot of other people who need prayers as well.

Many people don’t understand why women who are abused go back to their abusers. They hear about and see the damage done by the abuse (only if the abused woman has come out of the closet so to speak), but they don’t see the Dr. Jekyll personality, the good side, that the woman fell in love with in the first place. Or many who know the abuser only see the Dr Jekyll side and have not experienced the Mr. Hyde side as the woman in the relationship has and therefore they think she is the crazy one, making it all up for sympathy, making it all up for attention. But I digress. What I want to get at, what I want to try and explain is why I specifically never gave up.
There is something in me that wants to believe in the best. The good side was there, and the good side was very worthy, very valuable, giving, loving, generous. When he didn’t have his walls up, when he wasn’t running from his fears, when he wasn’t transferring blame for the things he felt guilt about, he was the sweetest, kindest most loveable person I had ever known. When you experience that, you know that goodness exists in that person. You know it, you’ve seen it! You’ve felt it! But you also know that life has taught this person some cruel lessons, just as you have learned some yourself. As Mark Batterson says in his book “In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day”, “I think most of us are shaped, for better or for worse, by a handful of experiences. Those defining experiences can plant a seed of confidence or a seed of doubt, a seed of hope or a seed of helplessness, a seed of faith or a seed of fear.”

When the seeds that are sown in our lives lead us to feeling bad about ourselves, we use all kinds of defense mechanisms to hide the fact that we feel less than, that we feel worthless, that we feel not good enough. The abuser often uses transference to deal with these feelings. Make it the other persons fault. The person abused often takes on this blame and as a result feels even more worthless. We think we deserve where we are, the situation we are in. We don’t have the energy to fight our way out, because we learned early on that we aren't worth the fight.

Something inside of me not only wanted to fight for me, but it wanted to fight for him too. Something inside was telling me something different, not only was I worth it but he was too. I knew I had goodness somewhere. And I knew he did too. He had shown it to me, even if in just bits and pieces here and there, for periods of time that never lasted long enough.

After I experienced the wonder of God in my life and especially after I learned just how valuable I was to God during Break Through, I knew without a doubt that Bill was just as valuable to God as I was, no matter what mistakes he had made. No matter what mistakes I had made. I found forgiveness for him, for myself and knew that I was forgiven and set free by God. Call it that “gift” I felt I had, I knew that Bill did not forgive himself (and perhaps not me either) and until he could see and experience the same awesome love that God had for him he would be trapped. I’ve always known that no matter how hard I try, I can’t change him. Time and experience has allowed me to step back and let God do his work. Trust that God was doing His work. And while God was doing his work there, he was also doing his work in me.

Here is where I seem to have gotten tripped up. I felt God telling me he wanted our family back together again. This wasn’t something that was easy to accept, but I did always have that hope for Bill. I always had that dream that he would be set free from the chains that had defined him for so long. And IF he could be set free, than there was a possibility that we could restore our relationship. I went through ups and downs when I felt like God was telling me to reach out for Bill, to wondering if I was making it all up in my head and perhaps it was just my own hope.

If God really wanted me to get back together with Bill, why am I in this place of hurt right now? Didn’t God know this was going to happen?

If it was my hope and not God’s will, am I wrong to believe that Bill deserves to know God’s love? Is it crazy to believe that he can get there? And is it crazy to believe that if he were to get there, that he would want to share that with me, the one that I believe he does love, in spite of all the walls he’s put up to hide it?

Let’s go a step further. Bill and Alicia have expressed their belief that God put them both in that motorcycle class so that they would meet each other. Destiny so to speak. If that is true, if God intended for them to meet, didn’t he also know that I was going to get hurt? Did God want that? Or was it just an unintended consequence? Or perhaps, God is in actuality exposing me to one of my greatest fears by putting me right in the middle of it… my fear of being alone. If their meeting was destiny, is the lesson for me to face my fear of being alone? Is this the good that God is making out of the bad?

What if it wasn’t destiny? What if it was free will that brought Bill and Alicia together. Bill had the free will to make a choice. The grass looked greener over there. It was new and exciting over there. All the transference habits he had learned so well in the past kicked in and he was able to make all kinds of excuses for his behavior. Excuses for why leaving me was the right thing to do. Excuses for why choosing her without even knowing her was the right thing to do. Excuses for believing this is what God wanted him to do. Did God really want him to hurt me like that? Especially in the manner in which he chose to do it, with the lies and the betrayal. Did God want him to hurt his kids like that?

The thing is, God did know all of the above was going to happen. He knew the story from the beginning and he knows the ending. I do know that God will take what has happened and weave his magic into it. I will grow. I will develop a closer relationship with Him as a result. I will be able to reach out and help others in the future. I do believe that is what God wants me to do with this.

I will always believe that God can work a miracle in Bill. I will always believe that God can change his heart. But I have to let God do that. I have to let Bill be willing to let him do that. I have no control in that realm.

I will concentrate on what I do have control over. Me. In time I will forgive. In time I won’t hurt so much. In time I will let go completely. And as the questions without answers raise to the forefront of my mind, I will hand them over to God. And I will trust Him.

Mixed messages

2009-09-20T12:20:00.000-07:00

I guess if I am to blog, I am only supposed to tell you about the good things. Forget being real. Forget the fact that my words just might help someone else out there who is hurting as well. Perhaps this is too public and perhaps yes there are those out there who wish to hurt me with my own words. But do I take that risk to help someone else find their way back to God?

I may be hurting right now, and I may be sharing my climb out of this publicly, but I am doing it with open eyes. Sometimes I'm ok, and sometimes I'm not. Are you going to tell me there's never been a time that you weren't ok? That everything didn't crash down around you? That you fought like heck to keep your head above the water? Isn't it when we are suffering the most that we need God the most? Isn't it those times that we grow in our relationship with him the most? So what is wrong with sharing that?

Would you prefer I start in the middle of the story, when things are so-so? Would you prefer I share the story from the end, when I've beaten the odds, when I've climbed the mountain? Or would you prefer I be real about what I'm feeling right now. Yes, people can see this. Yes, they may not all be people I would choose to see it. But I am trusting that God is in control. I have been given a gift by God, and if sharing my story publicly comes back and bites me, well then, it won't be the first time, now will it?

I'm sorry if I'm coming across as being angry. Perhaps I am angry. I'm getting mixed messages from people around me. I'm getting mixed messages from what I believed in the past and what I'm doing and believing now. And all this mixing is scrambling my brain. What it comes down to, is that I will continue to do and write what I feel like doing and writing. Your concern touches me and I appreciate it. Please continue to pray for me. I very much appreciate that too. Part of my journey is private, very private. That is the part between God and I, the part that you don't see, the part that I'm not ready to talk about yet.

I am going to be ok. I am going to climb the mountain. But I doubt I'll ever have it all figured out. That is not for me to know. But as I blog, perhaps some truths can be revealed not only to me but others around me as well. And if I can help just one person, than isn't it worth the risk? It may not be for you, but for me, it is. And that is enough for me to know.

A List

2009-09-17T10:58:00.000-07:00

What I'm Not Doing or Having Trouble With:

I'm not sleeping well, at all.
I have no appetite but am forcing myself to eat
I have no desire to clean the house, do the dishes, feed the cats
I haven't looked at my mail in a very long time or paid the bills. I know atleast a couple of them are now late. I don't care.
I'm having a difficult time caring about too much but surviving
The laundry hasn't been done for 2 weeks
The yard isn't mowed
I haven't gone grocery shopping in a while except to keep the milk supply going
I'm not putting the boys to bed on time
I'm not cooking healthy meals for them
I'm losing the battle with my tears, they come without warning, any time of the day or night
I'm confused as to who to trust, including trusting anything I think God is telling me to do since the last thing I thought he told me to do kind of blew up in my face.
I'm feeling sick to my stomach most of the time
I can't forgive right now, I can't even form the words without crying
I'm not always looking away, not always walking away, not always keeping my heart locked up and hard to that one person who has betrayed me. I'm slipping up from time to time and letting him have too much power over me.

What I Am Doing:

I'm getting out of bed every morning
I'm going to work
I'm making sure the kids get their homework done (this one is iffy, depends on the day)
I'm trying to nap between routes (this isn't working out too good for the most part)
I'm walking/jogging for 30 minutes a day
I'm blogging
I'm reaching out to friends although some feel like I'm using the wrong mediums to do that. (What they don't know, is that it is huge for me to be able to reach out at all, no matter how I do it)
I'm praying
I'm reading the bible
I'm still sitting in as a table leader in Alpha
I'm exploring possibilities for additional help to get through this, i.e. counseling, Celebrate Recovery, prayer with others, Stephens Minister, etc.
I'm taking my kids to the places they need to go, sports, practices, Camp Fire, etc.
I'm being real
I'm taking it one baby step at a time, sometimes crawling on my hands and knees, sometimes just rocking, but moving
I'm realizing that by acknowledging that I feel like I want to give up at times, that I don't really want to do that. That I wouldn't ever do that.
I'm reaching out to others who are hurting right now too so that we can lean on each other for support. No one can understand what you are going through better than someone who is experiencing the same thing.
I'm praying scripture, and writing down scripture that stands out for me and I find meaningful.
I'm crying, healing tears
I'm feeling deeply rather than stuffing it down
I'm hurting very very much
I'm reaching for God's hand (when I can)
I'm trying to let Him help me
I'm crying out to him
I'm praising him for the glimpses of light and for the darkness for I know I will grow stronger in my relationship with Him as we walk this path together
I'm still finding love in my heart for my friends, for those who are willing to help, for my boys, for God, for those at my Alpha table, for the friends I've talked to lately who are hurting too, for the special needs kids on my bus, even for her and for him.

I suppose I may think of a few more thing to add to both lists or some new things might come up that could be added. But it's good for me to see that I am doing something, even though it feels sometimes like I'm just falling apart.

Blessings... Me

9.16.09 unable to sleep

2009-09-17T10:47:00.000-07:00

Broken. Shattered like fine glass, shards scattered in a million different directions. How did I get here? I worked so hard to glue myself back together. So hard…years and years of soul searching, gathering pieces, matching them carefully, rearranging where the pieces just wouldn’t fit anymore. Some pieces never found, a few holes here and there. But not bad considering. Did I not glue it right? Perhaps I used the wrong kind of glue? It broke so easily. So violently, so completely. So quickly.

When you are laying on the floor and you can’t do anything… ANYTHING… but sob, where do you go? When you repeat senseless words over and over to keep from losing complete control, where do you go? When you don’t have the strength to reach out to God’s waiting hand, where do you go? What do you do? When all you can do is clutch His word to your chest, curled up in a fetal position, tears flowing freely for hours, how do you get up? When you are finally forced to get up because of life’s responsibilities, how do you hold it together? How do you hide?

All I have to do is reach and grab his hand. Hello! He’s holding me. He’s laying right here with me. His tears match mine, drop for drop. Even at the bottom, He is here. Even with the pieces scattered and the hopelessness that threatens to choke me out, He is here. If I just grab his hand, will the pain go away? If I just walk beside him, will I feel so alone? Why do I feel so alone? Why is the pain so all consuming?

I want to scream how unfair it is. I’ve tried so hard. I’ve given so much. And yet here I am at the bottom, fighting my way up AGAIN! AGAIN! AGAIN! What is wrong with me? Why do I fall so hard? So far? So painfully?

I don’t know how to let go. I just don’t. I am so broken Lord. Please, just fix me. I can’t do it. I can’t find the pieces. They’re strewn everywhere Lord. You see them. I can’t do it. I can’t do it. Please, Lord, please, just do it for me. Just let me let you do it for me. It’s been too long Lord. I’ve been through too much. Loved him too much. Show me the way out. Let me find a way out of the pain and the misery. Help me to find a way to live solely for you. You promised me that You are all I need. Help me to believe that.

Let me feel you Lord. Peace. I need peace and rest. Just for tonight. And then we’ll work on tomorrow when it comes.

Breaking Point

2009-09-15T14:13:00.000-07:00

I made a horrible mistake. I clicked on her Facebook page completely expecting it to come up and say that I had to be her friend to see her page. It didn't. The first thing I saw was her relationship status: In a relationship.

With the man I love. With the father of my children. With the man I had so many dreams with. So many dreams for. And he doesn't love me.

I've hit breaking point. I've realized that I need some very, very close friends that will be willing to come over or let me call them at any time of the day or night when or if I hit this point again. There is some shame in having to call someone because you just want to end it all. So God please give me the strength to reach out.

How I just made it through my route I really don't know. I repeated words over and over and over and over again so I wouldn't think. So I wouldn't start crying uncontrollably again.

How I'll get through the rest of this day, I don't know. But I can't do this. I just can't do this.

Minute by Minute

2009-09-15T11:13:00.000-07:00

Last night I was at Bunco with my bunco buds. I was fine the whole evening. And then for no reason at all I felt the sadness starting to descend on me. But I was still ok. We were almost done for the evening, actually just had one game left to go. And a friend asked me, "Did you talk to him (Bill) yesterday?" Nothing wrong with that question but the weight of the answer bore down on me like a ton of bricks.

I can't even look at him right now. I can't find forgiveness. I can't acknowledge his presence when he picks up or drops off the boys. I can't speak to him. It's not that I'm angry that I can't, it's just that I can't. The thought of looking in his eyes and letting him see my pain is just not somewhere I can go. The thought of speaking words that make it sound like everything is ok, is just not somewhere I can go. The very words, I forgive you, and I've tried them out a few times, just bring sobs.

That last game of bunco as I felt that weight come crashing down on me I fought every second through that game not to start bawling. It was right there. I didn't want to end the night that way, with me falling apart in front of everybody. Talk about a mood breaker! So it was second by second and minute by minute until I could get out of there and have my own little private cry.

A friend asked me at church on Sunday if I was praying for him. Sometimes I can find the strength for that, but for the most part, that's another place I just can't go right now. So I'm asking you to please step in and help me with that. Pray for him where I can't. I know that many of you prayed for me when I was sick and couldn't pray for myself. I'm asking now that you just open your hearts to the Lord and ask him to help this man be who God intended him to be. Not for me or our relationship or even his relationship with the kids. But because he deserves to know that His father loves him and he deserves to love himself. Just like all the rest of us do.

I had another restless night. Actually last night I woke up around one in the morning when I rolled over. I actually felt myself swimming up from somewhere far, far away. I had a brief recollection of the dream I was in and knew that it wasn't an out of ordinary dream. As I surfaced, I suddenly thought I smelled his cologne. The terror that went through every cell in my body froze me. I was facing away from my side of the bed. My mind was racing, my heart was racing. I just knew he was standing there on the other side of the bed with God knows what planned to do to me. I heard a noise and I flipped over so fast only to find the bedroom empty. I was actually surprised because I had been so sure he was there. The terror that had gripped me slowly released itself and I was able to doze back off. But from there on out I was awake every hour upon the hour and like the night before my dreams were weird and crazy and nonsensical.

Today I've been feeling dizzy all day. I don't know if it's from lack of sleep, or if I've been forgetting to take my antidepressant at night (I know I forgot last night), or if I just have some congestion built up behind my ears. Anyway, prayers are appreciated.

Well, I have about an hour before my next run. I'm going to try and sleep. Thank you to all of you for being there for me.

Blessings.... Nancy

New Developments

2009-09-14T14:48:00.001-07:00

Since I wrote my story, I've had many, many positive comments from friends. You all give me glimpses of light in this awful, low point in my life. If it wasn't for all the people who love me and most of all for God's love and the way he Has held me through this, I'm not sure I would be here right now. What I am choosing to try and concentrate on is praising God for any little glimpse of light I see and even praise him for the hurt. Because I know I will grow. I know he has GREAT things for me.

I've already been affirmed that I did the right thing by posting my story and sharing my heart. I've had a few people contact me confidentially to say that they identified with my story and were or had been in a similar relationship. It is so important for these beautiful women to know that they aren't alone, that it's not their fault, that it's not about them.

Turning your back and walking away isn't easy. As a matter of fact it's the most heart wrenching, difficult thing in the world to do. You wanted so much for this person. You wanted to believe so much that God could and was changing their heart. And you know what, He was. I saw the changes in Bill. But something happened. I don't know what, I suppose Satan does have a lot to do with it. But I can't let my heart be blown to bits anymore, not that I really had a choice in the matter, but it's time to move on.

I met Alicia over the weekend. God set up a sequence of events, nothing that I could have possibly orchestrated myself. First I got a trip to take Life Church to the Old Settler's Parade. Then, just like that, she was there. I knew who she was as soon as I saw her. My boys had given me a brief description. I debated whether to talk to her. I sat in the bus and prayed about it. And then I went and introduced myself. We talked for awhile and I learned that not only had there been more lies than I knew about, but that he had lied to her and he had asked my boys to lie to me.

Honestly, she is a very personable lady. She is attractive, and she wears her spirit and love for the Lord outwardly and openly. I could totally understand why he fell so hard for her. But for some reason that I don't think any of us can truly understand he felt the need to deceive us all and didn't think twice about doing it. I think he really thought he was going to get away with it.

During the parade I debated whether or not I should send her my story. I knew I had already hurt her by some of the truths I had exposed but do you let someone fall later by experience or do you atleast warn them ahead of time and let them determine what they want to do? A dilemna for sure. Not to mention that not only was I taking the risk of looking like the bitter ex wife, but Bill was REALLY, REALLY going to hate me for it and possibly take it out on the boys.

Chris, who walked in the parade and was supposed to go with Alicia afterwards, rode back to Life Church on the bus with me. I was able to confirm at that time that his dad had in fact told him not to tell me that Alicia had gone to Arkansas with them. Chris was getting punished by his dad that day for lying about doing his homework the weekend before. I had a problem with the fact that his dad was punishing him for lying and telling him to lie at the same time. What is a child to think???

Anyway, I asked Alicia if I could send her my story. I warned her that it would hurt. But she wanted me to send it. In the meantime, Bill was on his way to Life Church with Jesse after Jesse's soccer game. I heard from Jesse (later, all volunteered information, I didn't have to ask a thing) that Bill was talking to Alicia on the phone and found out that I had talked to her. He said he got so mad that he threw his phone at the windshield and actually cracked his windshield. I'm thankful it didn't break as Jesse could have been hurt.

Chris spewed all this information out as soon as he got home Sunday. Bill came and got him at Life Church, just told him to get in the car and drove off. As soon as they got home, Bill called his ex girlfriend and invited her and the girls over. He spent some time talking to Christy about Alicia (apparently, she didn't know about her either?) and then Chris said he left for hours and left the boys there with Christy and her girls. When he got back they all went to Christy's house and had dinner and set off fireworks.

Sometime during the day, Chris asked Christy why she hadn't accepted his friend invitation on FB so she did right then and there. Chris told me his dad was reading my story that evening and he was really mad about it. So I'm not sure if Christy saw it on FB or Alicia sent it to him. I am assuming Christy saw it and then showed it to Bill. (Luckily Chris has not read it, he said it was too long and he didn't want to waste his time).

Anyway, when they went home from Christy's that evening, he had a talk with Chris and Jesse, and wanted them to tell him whether or not they thought he should stay with Alicia since she didn't like the fact that Christy was there. Little much to put on a 9 and 12 year old, you think?

So next morning, Chris was in the shower and he heard Bill yelling at Alicia on the phone. He was yelling I don't have to keep my voice down and was very angry. They actually came to church at ICCC... I had been told they were going to another church. The service was awesome! I mean, written for me!!! (And probably many others in the congregation as well). I encourage you to listen to it on the podcast or watch the video when it is uploaded. The website is http://www.indiancreek.org/ If you look on the right side of the home page there is a media tab. You can click audio for the podcast or video. The name of the message was called GooseBumps.

It was one of those services that I hung on to every word. Parts of it brought sobs, but it was just what I needed to hear. God is good! During the response time I went to the front to pray and all I could do was kneel down and sob to God. Purging the hurt out through my tears. I got up and found I couldn't even go back to my seat so I just collapsed into a chair. Jim Lee, who is an older pastor and could be my dad, sat down beside me and I experienced Jesus through Jim when he took me in his arms and held me and just let me cry. He cried with me and I knew it was God crying with me. Because he loves me that much.

They boys came home early Sunday, both of them coming in angry with their dad because he had come in from mowing, yelled at them to get their stuff picked up and told them he was taking them home right now because he needed to take care of a few things with Alicia. Chris said to me, "Dad sure does get alot of enjoyment out of hurting people, doesn't he?" Wow. Sad. I tried to tell him that his dad was very mixed up right now, but that didn't excuse his behavior and how he had treated the people around him. We talked a little bit about how sometimes people need to hit bottom in order to climb up and out of the pit. When they are "saved" by other people in their life, they are actually hurt because they don't get the chance to grow and learn. Big stuff to understand for a 12 year old. But when do you start to teach your kids about healthy relationships if they don't ever experience it?

I've been guilty of trying to save him. Now it's time to walk away and let him fall if others don't step in to save him. He's done all of this to himself. His choices, his decisions and there are broken bodies strewn all along the path where he has passed.

God will forgive. But he's got to ask for it and mean it. He has to hit rock bottom. And I need to take care of me. I need to nurture my heart back to health. I need to focus on what is most important, my relationship with God and my children. One step at a time, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Whatever is needed at that particular time.

I want to close with a little story. Friday, I was walking between routes. God and I were talking. I don't know why but I asked God to show me something exciting in the grass. I'm thinking, wouldn't it be cool to find some money or a gem, or a discarded winning lottery ticket? So I'm walking and looking hard in the grass. It's not long before I notice the wildflowers, each beautiful in their own right. I see the grass that has grown high and has those little fuzzy things on the end of it. I see butterflies flying around the flowers. I see the deep green of the grass. I see the trees. Then God says to me, do you see how all of this is intertwined? Do you see how it depends on eachother, needs each other? Wow, yes, I do I say. He says that just like this is intertwined so is my life with my children and even with Bill. He said my children need me and so does Bill even though he doesn't realize it right now. So, I asked him, "What do you want me to do?" And he said "I want you to continue to be you". Wow, what a gift. What a glimpse of light in what has been an incredibly dark time. Simply that is all I need to do, lean on him, talk to him, give it to him, have faith in him and just be me. I am enough!

2009-09-14T14:30:00.000-07:00

Last post was June 19th... time to start blogging again. So much is going through my head it's keeping me up at night. I just need to purge, purge, purge! To get you up to date I want to first post 'My story' which I posted on FB but didn't post here. It's long, fair warning. After you read it, you will understand my need to to purge, to get out my thoughts, to continue driving forward and to not look back. Sorry it's been so long!

Recently a friend asked me a question. It was “So tell me what’s going on with your situation. What happened. ?” And once I got rolling I couldn’t stop. This is what I wrote in response. It is my story and I thought it would be a good idea to share it with you too.

It's a really long story so I'll try to shorten it down as much as possible. Bill and I were married for 10 years. We fell madly head over heels in love with each other. I have to be honest, when we fell in love, we were both married to other people. The guilt I had about having an affair about killed me so when my first husband and I divorced, I left both of them and moved to CA to heal. When I moved back to KC a year later I thought I could stay away from him, but I couldn't. I was still in love with him and we soon started our relationship up again. There were problems from the beginning as you can imagine with him not understanding my pain and guilt over my first marriage failing. It is true that you can be in love with 2 people at one time and it will absolutely tear you apart.

Anyway, we stayed together and then moved in together. Neither of us were Christ followers, as a matter of fact we used drugs and drank and partied. He asked me to marry him and a month later we found out I was pregnant. He was not happy about this as he wanted me all to himself for awhile before we started a family. Christopher was born and the problems between us intensified. Bill was very jealous of Chris and resented my love for my son. At the time I didn't realize it, but Bill became very emotionally abusive towards both me and Chris. I spent all my time trying to please him, trying to figure out what I had done wrong, trying to change. Of course there were good times and I loved him with all my heart. I always thought things would get better.

I'm sure, you being in the profession you are in, have seen this many times before. Anyway, we stayed together, bought a house and had a second child, also unplanned. Things got worse. The emotional abuse escalated into physical and verbal abuse. I still didn't see it though because I was trying so hard to protect my children I only saw his abuse towards them. All the while we continued to smoke pot and Bill was hooked for years at a time on meth. When Jesse was almost 2, Bill took him fishing. He got angry at him for getting too close to the water after repeatedly telling him not to. He picked him up and set him down so hard that it broke his leg.

This was the turning point. Social services got involved, the police got involved and for the first time I admitted what had been so carefully hidden in our household, but just where the kids were concerned. I didn't admit his abuse towards me. I started seeing a counselor for DV. I was totally completely shocked about what I learned. It was apparent that I was a victim, 100%. I had been so busy protecting the boys I hadn't seen what had happened to me. So I began the very long process of becoming a survivor instead of a victim.

Bill moved out after I filed a protection order against him after he hit me one time, just months after he had injured Jesse. He rarely hit me, it was mostly emotional abuse and verbal. He hated me with a passion and yet I still loved him. It was so messed up. When he moved out I immediately stopped using drugs. I believe I had been using them as a way to cope. He was gone for about 6 months and then I hurt my back and couldn't get out of bed. I needed help with the boys so he came to stay and just never left again.

Things were better for a little while but he got back on the meth and it all went downhill again. Ok, I'm going to have to finish this later as I have to go make another run for work (I'm a school bus driver). I'll write part 2 later.

Ok part 2, are you ready? I think its crazy that I have written all this and not felt a thing, like I'm telling someone elses story. I've read what I wrote and you must be wondering why in the hell I kept going back to this man???

Anyway on with the story. He got on the meth again and soon enough he was back to hating me. I couldn't do anything right. We barely spoke, it was horrible living arrangements. I found out he was taking the kids with him to get his drugs. Our marriage was hanging there by a thread but at that point I knew I had to protect my kids even if it cost me my marriage. I turned him in to the DEA or something like that online. Nothing happened. A few months passed and I had not been feeling well. I found a recipe in his stuff that had all this poisonous stuff in it. I thought then he was trying to kill me. So I made the decision to take it to the police.

It turned out to be a fake recipe for meth, something that was circulating the web at the time. I was relieved that he wasn't trying to kill me but the police wanted to know if I wanted him arrested for possession. I had tried everything else I knew how to do to get him clean so I said yes. I knew it would cost me our marriage but our marriage was 98% miserable anyway. I turned in his dealer as well and when he was arrested with the drugs on him, they tried to get him to turn on his dealer. He wouldn't do it. He basically ended up getting off with a slap on the wrist and some probation time but he does have a felony on his record now and always will.

He didn't know it was me that turned him in although others suspected and told him so. On Easter morning 2005, just a month after I turned him in, he blew up at me because the Easter Bunny had brought the boys too much candy and it was going to rot their teeth out. We got into a fight, he threw some chairs around, we scuffled over some tax papers, he threatened to hit me and "make it count" and I called the police. That was it, he left that day and never came back.

Over the next 18 months we went through a very nasty divorce. He eventually found out it was me who turned him in. He had another reason to hate me. He didn't pay his child support and I was a stay at home mom at the time so I had 0 income. He would punish me by not seeing the boys for months at a time. It was absolutely horrible. But I was so angry with him that it consumed me. There wasn't too much room for pain, just anger. I used the DV card every chance I got to blame him for everything. I do want to add that I wasn’t always totally innocent in our scuffles and fights. I knew which buttons to push and I did so on occasion. But when it really came down to it, my reaction to his way of making things seem all turned around and upside down and un-understandable was just that, a reaction to that which made no sense to me and a desperate attempt to make sense of the un-sensible.

I also want to add that for a good portion of our marriage, things would go from good to bad. Just as they talk about in DV counseling, I could tell when the tension started to mount. At times, things were wonderful and he was the sweetest, most lovable man in the world. It was that man that I so loved.

In the meantime, actually before he left the last time, I had started going to church. When I first started all I could do was just sit there and cry through the entire service. I asked for prayers every week. I also went to a Divorce class at the church. But I had no self esteem, I was so beaten down it wasn't even funny. I continued DV counseling and slowly but surely I climbed out of the pit I had been living in for years. But I still didn't think I was good enough.

Our divorce was final in August 2006. Still consumed by my anger and pain, I was diagnosed one month later with breast cancer. (He blamed me for this too). I spent the next year going through surgery, chemo and radiation. I was sicker than a dog. People came out of the woodwork to help. I learned that the world was good. I learned that people were good. But he never helped. Actually he never even asked what kind of cancer I had.

I've had 5 surgeries since my diagnosis and still take medicine to keep the cancer from coming back which has messed me up in numerous ways. But that is not really part of the story.

Because of the abuse he only had 5 hours on every Sunday for visitation. In the summer of 2007, he threatened to take me back to court for full weekends. I didn't want to fight it, I was still much too weak from the cancer. So I agreed on the stipulation that he bring them to church on Sunday mornings. He fought this at first but then he agreed. The surprising thing was that he came with them.

It was uncomfortable at first but I couldn't tell him that he couldn't attend my church. So I sat on one side and he on the other. We started actually speaking to each other civilly after a while. In the fall, we even went and did a couple of things together for the kids birthdays. As winter set in I started feeling that God was putting on my heart that he wanted our family back together. I fought that for a long time, especially after all this man had put me through. I thought no freakin’ way would I get back with him.

A year went by and we continued to do things together every now and then and we actually found that we could be friendly with each other. The feeling persisted that I was supposed to reconcile with him. But I didn't think he had any interest in that and I wasn't so sure I did either.

Also during this time I went to a very intense spiritual, self esteem building seminar called Breakthrough that completely changed the way I felt about myself. I was finally able to see myself in the light that God sees me. I was freed of so many past negative tapes and thoughts about myself. And I received wonderful tools to deal with life and times that I might slip back into my old ways of thinking.

Now, I have to go to a meeting, so I'll write part 3 later. Hopefully that will be the last part! Hope you aren't bored to tears!

Okay, back again and on part 3. I haven't gotten anything done today but that's ok, I'm finding this to be quite cathartic.

While I was driving to my meeting I remembered the first time I realized that Bill still loved me. It was actually in the fall of 2008. We had taken the boys to World's of Fun for Chris' birthday. It was a beautiful day/evening and we were all having a great time. We were all on a ride together and a look passed between Bill and I. It was one of those looks that happens very, very seldom if ever. It came from somewhere so deep inside and left me so breathless that I knew without a doubt in that brief few seconds that he still loved me. One of those looks that leaves you feeling like if you don’t break it, it will actually burn a hole through you. It was a shock almost and it led me to start thinking a little bit more seriously about the possibility that he was changing, that God was at work in his life and maybe there was something to this nagging God was doing in my heart.

On New Years Eve 2008/2009, we spent the evening together with the boys. We went to his place and had an outside fire and shot off fireworks. I had too much to drink and I found myself in his arms. It was weird but familiar, scary but something I found I was enjoying immensely. When i say I had too much to drink I mean it was one of those got to keep one foot on the floor or the world is going to spin too much. He let me sleep in his bed and when I did end up getting sick he took care of me. When I was able to sleep he held me. We did not go farther than that and I was glad about that.

After that, things were different between us. We were more tender towards each other but still both of us were hesitant. It wasn't until I encouraged him to go through BreakThrough which I knew how much had helped me, that I finally gave in to the feelings I'd had for a year and a half about God wanting us to reconcile . I told him my thoughts and I told him I wanted to date him. We agreed to revisit it after he had gone through the first 2 sessions of BT.

He went to BT, but that was a trial all in itself. You see, his ex-girlfriend, Christy, the one he had been seeing since we had separated and had just moved out of his house shortly before Christmas, signed up to go at the same time as him. I was beside myself. I couldn't believe that could possibly in a million years happen. But it did and there was nothing I could do about it but trust the BT process and trust God that He knew what he was doing. After BT1 (there are 4 sessions), Bill and I talked and I was reassured that he was there for him. I wasn't sure why she was there, for her or to get him back. But I had to let it go and let it happen. After BT2, Bill and I went out on a real date and he told me he wanted to see me. We agreed we needed to take it slow, not rush as we knew if we rushed we would implode. This was in March.

Since then, we have been seeing each other regularly. He was sweet, he was much more patient. He was loving. He told me he loved me regularly and that he believed that God wanted us together as well. He helped around the house, we talked about plans for the future, we spent lots of time together as a family, he stayed with us most weekends. We went to church together, we prayed together, we worked together as far as the kids were concerned. I really believed he had changed and that we were doing the right thing. Things were good and I was happier than I had been in a very, very long time.

We did have a few issues about his old girlfriend, but we were always able to talk through them. I couldn't understand though why some of her stuff was still at his house if he didn't care about her anymore. He also let her come into his house during the week and do her laundry. I didn't get that either. But I didn't push it.

I planned a vacation to TN for late July, early August. I invited him to go with us. He said he wanted to and was planning on it. But then work got in the way (or so he said, now I don't know what to believe), and he couldn't go with us. So the boys and I went to KY and TN for 2 weeks. The first week we were gone Bill and I talked on the phone several times a day. He told me he loved me when we hung up. Then the 2nd week, we were camping in the mountains and couldn't get cell reception so we didn't talk. He seemed upset with me but didn't convey that directly. When we left the mountains and headed back home we talked but he didn't tell me loved me at the end of the conversations. I decided he just needed a little space so I backed off to give it to him.

When we returned we went out to dinner, just the two of us and had a wonderful conversation. He told me I was positively glowing. He was taking a class that weekend so I didn't think much of it that he didn't stay with us. The next weekend we had the Susan G Komen Walk for the Cure. We stayed at the Westin Hotel the night before the walk. We were there with a few other members of my cancer support group. He kept his distance from the others but again I didn't think much of it, just that he was feeling like he didn't fit in or something. We had a great time and all seemed well otherwise.

The next weekend was his weekend with the kids even though we hadn't really been following that too much since he always stayed with us. On Friday he came and got the kids before I got home from work. He didn't call and tell me he was going to do this, he just did it. Red flags went up but he said he just wanted to spend some time alone with them, he hadn't been able to do that much lately. Saturday, they all came over and we went to the pool and spent the day and evening together watching a movie. When we were at the pool he was distant and never touched me or kissed me. Red flags again. He talked about how he was cleaning house, he was going to stop drinking and using drugs (he was still smoking pot on occasion), eat better, start going to the gym again, get closer to God, read the bible. Well I thought these were all good things. He said he was tired of "being on the fence". When I questioned what he meant by that he just said he was tired of not being all in as far as his relationship with God. That night when he and the boys left he walked out the door without so much as a hug. It was then that I finally knew something was terribly wrong. But I still just thought he needed some time, some space. He said we would talk the next day.

I was actually mad at that point. The next morning at church I sat by myself. He didn't talk to me except to hand me a check for some money he owed me. That afternoon when he brought the boys home, he sat me down and said that he liked the way we were working together with the boys but he didn't want to see me anymore. He just wanted to be friends. I was completely shocked and I immediately blew up. I didn't give him a chance to explain, I just lost it. I cussed at him, I said some things I shouldn't have and he left leaving me shocked and hurt and completely confused.

I immediately came inside after he left and sent him an email telling him to leave me the f alone and that I didn't want to see him or talk to him. I knew even as I wrote it that it was a bold faced lie. I was crushed. But it was me trying to protect me.

So he stayed away. I cried uncontrollably every day. I just didn't get it. The next weekend I called him and just asked him to please give me an explanation for all of it. He wouldn't really, but he did say it was because I hadn't changed. I still kept the house the same way. He talked some about this new group he was going to called Celebrate Recovery. We got into it a little bit and he said people were telling him that they totally understood why he left, he said very sarcastically how perfect I was and that none of it was my fault when I tried to point out that I didn't understand what happened, that I thought everything was fine and I couldn't meet his standards, as no one would ever be able to. I was at a very low place and I begged him not to do this to me. He wouldn't hear any of it.

I continued to be blown away by it all. In spite of it, I believed it to be some kind of spiritual warfare that could be overcome once he just came to his senses. Once he just realized he was in Satan's grip. I clearly saw the old patterns had emerged. He was turning it on me, making it my fault. I understood clearly it wasn't my fault but I was still devastated.

I wrote him a letter and I apologized specifically NOT for my feelings of anger, betrayal, hurt, disappointment, etc. but for my reaction to those feelings. He was using my bad language when I blew up at him to accuse me of not being a good Christian. I left it at that. That was all I wanted to say to him. He wrote me an email and said how prayers were answered. I wanted to let him know not all prayers are answered but I didn't. I offered a peace offering by telling him he could take the boys to Arkansas for Labor Day Weekend which was something he had mentioned he wanted to do before all this happened. That was in addition to his regular weekends.

When he came this past Friday to pick them up, he said he was running late because he was at a church service. Since he's always gone to my church I asked him what his sudden interest was in this new church. He said a friend invited him. I said what friend. He said he didn't want to fight. I didn't let up, what friend? He said Alicia. It all clicked into place in that split second. I said where did you meet her, he told me at our church. He said something about how spiritual she was but my blood was boiling and I blew up again. Reacting to the knives that had just been pierced into my heart. I lost it again, cussing at him right in front of my children. He took the boys and left.

I came inside and the pain that coursed through me was physical and emotional, reaching right down to the very core of my soul. I threw up, I sobbed from a deep gutteral place. I just wanted to die right then and there. It was an awful, awful, feeling. Devastated, betrayed, hurt... none of them were strong enough words. Friday night was awful. I slept very little, cried a whole lot.

The next morning I called the boys and apologized for what I had done. And somehow I made it through the weekend. I wanted to drink myself silly until the pain was gone but instead I helped out at the church, I spent time in the prayer room and I went to a Saturday night service at the same church he had been at with his new girlfriend the night before. I sobbed the entire service and prayed with a very nice lady afterwards. Her words comforted me at least until the next morning until I fell apart all over again. The whole weekend was like that. Ok for a little bit and then a complete basket case.

I had the opportunity to talk to quite a few people and all were just as shocked as I was. But that shock wouldn't be my last. When Bill brought the boys home Monday night we talked. He told me and I quote, "When I met you so many years ago, you took my breath away. Now I have met someone who not only takes my breath away but knocks my socks off. And she is so incredibly spiritual. You are spiritual, but not like her". When I asked him what about the fact that we were trying to reconcile, he responded “You were trying to reconcile, not me”. I said so were you just using me all this time? He said, no he wouldn’t call it using me but it was just easier to do things the way we were doing them then to fight all the time. (More excuses to make him feel better… that is not at all how it was). I guess the daggers from Friday night didn't do the job so he jabbed a few more in. He reminded me again that I hadn't changed. So suffice it to say I sobbed myself to sleep after tossing and turning for hours. I got very little sleep and then woke up before my alarm went off crying again. It's been a tough day.

But I think any hope I might have still had that he would come to his senses is now snuffed out. I can't compete with knocked his socks off. I have never been enough for him. It is not enough that I am enough for me, I have never been and never will be enough for him. Crushed yes. Dreams are shattered. In more pain than I can remember. He knocked me on my ass again. Let me know in no uncertain terms that I wasn't good enough.

One of the things that I've never understood is how everyone else around me can see my heart, can see my goodness, can love me because I am a good person. But he can't. It is what hurts the most.

So that is my story, and I didn't do too good of a job of keeping it short. Sorry about that. I need to get the little one to bed. Thanks so much for listening.

The Ugly Truth... or is it?

2009-06-19T06:56:00.000-07:00

It’s after 11PM and I know morning will come quickly. But I want to put down in writing what has been brewing in my consciousness before too much time slips by and with it my thoughts. My brain is tired and slightly foggy from a long day so I pray now for the words to come and spill onto the paper like the healing rain that was so abundant at last night’s Alpha class.

But I’m jumping ahead.

First, there was this dream I had while napping between my routes early this week. In the dream I was driving my students, I’m not sure if we were on the way to school or on the way home. It doesn’t really matter actually. The bus was full with all the kids on board and my bus aide was entertaining them with engaging 4 and 5 year old conversation. I was approaching my left turn on a four lane road. Suddenly, in what seemed like the blink of an eye I became terrifyingly aware that I was no longer driving on the road but was in the grass on the opposite side of the road. A split second later I realized that I was on the stretch of road beyond my turn and I had no recollection of passing it or leaving the roadway. The seconds it had taken me to approach the turn, pass it and run off the road were as if they never existed. I glanced in the rear view mirror and my bus aide was in the seat behind me with a very concerned look on her face. Without thinking, I began to make excuses for why I was where I was. I blamed it on a blown tire as in the dream I could hear a flap, flap, flap sound. The reality that I very possibly fell asleep at the wheel was just too much for me to admit.

The instant guilt and shame that fell on my shoulders for putting my students in that kind of danger caused me to shrink and hide. And the fear that I would lose my job and the means to provide for my boys was sneaking into the equation as well. As I recovered and pulled the bus back onto the road, which had become a two way road after my turn, I became aware how lucky we had been that no other cars were around and that the grass we had run off into was flat and even with the roadway. But I was now off route and the choice I made to try and get myself back to where I needed to be led us to a dirt road with deep ravines on each side. The entire time I was still trying to form excuses in my mind as to why I had missed the turn, why I had left the road, and why I now traveled down a road that I was finding very difficult to stay on. I kept running off the road to my right. Now I was aware of what was happening but it felt like I had no control. Like when you are dizzy and your body pulls to one side uncontrollably. As this happened an alarm started going off in the bus. It was then I was pulled from my sleepy state back into my living room, laying on my couch as the oven timer beeped my cue to get up and go back to work.

You can imagine my relief to realize this had only been a dream. But I was still shaken. I can fairly certain ascertain the reason for the dream being my fear I will fall asleep at the wheel sometime when I am overly tired and my eyes are heavy, as I had been that particular morning of the dream. But that is not my reason for sharing this story with you.

What I thought about the remainder of the day, was how I automatically made excuses for my behavior, even in my dream. I didn’t come out and say “I made a horrible mistake”. I didn’t lay claim to the fault. My natural instinct in that split second that I became cognizant of my surroundings was to explain it away and to hide the ugly truth. A simple question formed. Why?

The simple answer lies in the book of Genesis. After Adam and Eve have eaten the forbidden fruit, what do they do? They make excuses. Genesis 3:11-13 says: And he said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?" The man said, "The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it." Then the LORD God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?" The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate."

It makes one wonder… is the tendency to cover up and hide, to make excuses for our behavior, to pretend to be someone we really are not, ingrained in us? Did God create us this way? If he knew all, did he not know that we (Adam and Eve and every descendant since) would choose to eat from the tree of knowledge and therefore become liars, pretenders, cheats to others and ourselves? Should we be ashamed of this ugliness in us? If it is truly a part of who we are, it is imprinted on our very beings, why do we hide? Why are we ashamed?

It seems that we as humans hide ourselves from each other. We see ourselves as ugly, inside and out. We don’t want others to see us for who we really are. We don’t want them to know that we have that imprint. And yet, every single one of us has the same imprint. We make excuses for why we are the way we are. We put on a smile when we really feel lousy. We isolate rather than reaching out. We bear the pain alone. We are ashamed.

And for the most part, we recognize the imprint only in ourselves. When we look to others, we perceive them as good, filled with qualities that we desire in ourselves. We strive unsuccessfully to make ourselves more like them. We fail to see our own unique good except in snips and bits and pieces. Like the imprint and ingrained predisposition to make excuses for our mistakes, we are also deeply imprinted with God’s image of goodness. After all, the tree of knowledge was of GOOD and evil. And Adam and Eve ate of it’s fruit.

The thing is, that God loves us just as much as he loved Adam and Eve. Even though this is who we are, the good, the bad AND the ugly, we are HUMAN. And as long as we continue to be human we will continue to make mistakes. We will hide and make excuses. When we can accept our humanness and know that we are God’s miracles, we can begin to live a life without shame.

But easier said than done! So, we have times like last night. Healing night at Alpha. The room was filled with minds, bodies and souls feeling the need to hide away our ugliness. With prayers and words, hugs and touches that could only come from one source, our great and mighty God, healing rained down. Small and huge steps were taken towards living without shame of who we are, what we are experiencing, the imprint of our humanness. Hearts reached out to each other. People came out of hiding, opening up like a beautiful rose after a long, cold winter. We were accepting and accepted. Loved as we are! Just like God intended.

Just as God created.

And not possible without him in our lives.

He Adores Us All

2009-06-07T17:42:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I write I have a specific topic in mind and I’ve been thinking about exactly what I want to say. Once I get started, it never goes quite as planned but I think quite often it ends up even better than I thought it would. Today I have no idea what I want to say so hopefully the words will flow and in the end maybe even I will have some answers and a better understanding of the complexities of life and people.

I know when someone attacks me (with words or actions) that most often it is done because they feel threatened in some way. I get that. I understand. But when someone attacks who has no idea of what I have been through it quite honestly makes me downright mad. For someone to assume that I am the root of all the problems, that I am somehow to blame for everything, that I am the one that caused chaos, it trips my trigger.

I know exactly why it trips my trigger. I know where it’s rooted. But I don’t know how to pull the weed. I know, of course, that I’m NOT what they have assumed. I’m not completely innocent, I had my part, but I wasn‘t the only part. God has so forgiven me. I don’t have to live with the guilt or the shame. I don’t have to carry that heavy load anymore. And yet they seem to feel they need to try to load that right back onto my shoulders.

I’m assured I’ve come a long way when I know I don’t have to accept that load. It’s not mine anymore. I’m free. I’ve been forgiven and I’ve forgiven. The past is the past. I can live for today. And my today is good. My today is exactly where I need to be. I am not sorry for where I am. And I am freed from where I’ve been.

As for you who feels the need to bring me down, the one who wants to play games and try to create trouble, it’s just not going to work. I am stronger than that. I don’t want to play with you. I’m sorry you are in your own uncomfortable spot. I pray you will find peace. And I hope the best for you. Really, I do.

God has done such miraculous work in me. I am so incredibly blessed and I know that I act from a pure heart. Every day the gifts that He has given me become more clear. I will strive to please Him. I will spend my days doing what I believe He has called me to do. I’m finally at a place where I can do that. I know how incredibly special I am and how very fond He is of me.

Living in a place where I’m comfortable in my own skin, I can now reach out to others and I’m loving doing that. Whether it be in day to day communication, leading an Alpha table, teaching a healthy relationships class, and hopefully before too long, becoming a training assistant for Break Through, I want to share the love that I now know. I want the world to experience it with me. Even with those who may not deserve it. Because in my heart I know that they really do, whether they have chosen me as the target for their pain or not.

God loves all his children. All of them! Each and every one. And God loves me!

The Dream is Alive

2009-05-25T16:50:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I guess it’s time that I came clean. Some of you will probably say, yep, I knew it. Some will say, I suspected. To some this may come as a surprise. And some may not understand but will have to accept and trust that I know what I’m doing.

For quite a long time I’ve felt a calling from God that I was supposed to do something. At first, I thought there was no possible way that this could happen. If people had asked me then, which was over a year and a half ago, if this particular thing was possible I would have said no way. But God was persistent. And as this feeling came onto my heart to follow what I felt God was telling me to do, I proceeded with what I see now was the next step in the journey. I went through Breakthrough.

I’ve written about my experience with Breakthrough before and how it changed my life. It is still true today that BT was the single most empowering experience I’ve ever had. I learned that I am a valuable, courageous, trusting, free woman who is beautiful just as I am. I learned how to handle the difficult times a little bit better. I learned how to love and be loved. The Nancy that had shackled her heart and soul broke free and a beautiful being emerged.

In the year plus since that experience, I’ve continued to grow and learn. Sometimes the road has been so rocky and rutted that I didn’t think I could possibly go on. Other times the ruts gave way to a nice smooth surface and I glided along with the wind blowing in my hair feeling the freedom that had become my gift. Yet the insistence that I pursue something more continued. As I began to share a tiny bit about what was on my heart, some people started asking… was it a possibility? Still, my answer was no, I don’t think so.

As time wore on and BT became an experience of the past, the passion in my heart became stronger. The answer to the question became I don’t know… maybe. God kept giving me the same message over and over in different ways. Sometimes I wondered if I was hearing it right. Other times I wondered if it was what God wanted at all, perhaps it wasn’t Him telling me, maybe it was something I selfishly wanted. But most often I was positively sure that this was coming from a place that I couldn’t fully explain. That although I didn’t understand the reasons, and that sometimes it seemed like an absolute impossibility, I had to continue to move towards this thing God was calling me to do.

At some point in time (quite recently in fact), after much soul searching, some very trying times, gut wrenching pain and many, many tears the answer molded into a yes… it is a possibility. Still, very few knew what I had been struggling with. It was not something I was ready or comfortable sharing just yet. Those very few that I dared to let in were not only people I felt safe sharing my secret with, but also people who didn’t know my story and therefore would not judge. They were people who would understand the story from this end, rather from the beginning where others might not be in agreement.

I was excited and anticipating what wonderful things could come of this new answer I had finally reached. But God knew even as my answer changed, I was still not ready. I had some very valuable lessons to learn yet. First I had to overcome some things in my life that I had chosen to deal with by not dealing with them. I thought if I ignored them hard enough, they just wouldn’t exist. Don’t think about it and it won’t be so. For years I ignored. And when these situations were brought to my attention from time to time, I bristled at the mere mention of them. It was apparent to those close to me that certain things were not to be talked about around me. If they were brought up, they could expect a retort with an underlying tone of disgust and unfounded judgment as my wall of ignorance by choice was pierced.

God, in his wonderful way, knew that I had to face this head on. He doesn’t beat around the bush and the way in which he chose to open my eyes was pretty harsh. I was put in a situation that was very difficult to handle. A situation that I had no control over. A situation that took me uncomfortably away from my comfort zone and into uncharted territory. Like a caged animal I desperately tried to find a way out. I clawed here, dug there, cried out for help and eventually succumbed to the fact that there was no way out. I could only go through the fire. I could only trust… those on the other side, those whose prayers were with me, those who stood by me as I struggled, and God, who had orchestrated the whole darn thing from the beginning.

As I surrendered to the process an amazing, amazing thing happened. Not only was I able to look the situation in the face but I was able to fully embrace it and actually see the value in it. There it was, right in front of me and as I let go of the bitterness and replaced it with love, my soul was set free, again. Healing happened. Spirits were lifted and a peace came about me that I had not previously known. I knew then that even if my yes, it is possible never came to be, I would be ok. I would still, and always will, be the valuable, courageous, trusting, free woman I had found in Breakthrough.

But the story continues. This thing that God was leading me to was not just my quest alone. You see, I believe that God wants my family together again. Just like I couldn’t save my marriage all by myself, I can’t put my family back together all by myself. Unlike when my family fell apart, all of us now have God in our lives and there has been much healing, forgiveness and growth. God has shown us how valuable we are. Not only have I experienced the gift of Breakthrough, but now Bill has finished two of four sessions. A light shines in him now that he snuffed out long ago. Our journey has just begun. There is hope and a new beginning where there was once only dust and broken dreams.

We can’t possibly know how the story will end. All we can do is trust and follow the road we believe God is leading us down. There will be potholes and perhaps even deep ruts but we have the tools to work through those times and many people to turn to for medicine and help. We will take our time, enjoying the beauty along the way. We will pray. We will walk, together, with God, one step at a time. We will play. And we will be loved. No matter what happens, we will always be His children. Valued, forgiven, courageous, deserving, trusting, joyful, free! And loved deeper than we can ever imagine!