Ok, so I guess it’s time that I came clean. Some of you will probably say, yep, I knew it. Some will say, I suspected. To some this may come as a surprise. And some may not understand but will have to accept and trust that I know what I’m doing.
For quite a long time I’ve felt a calling from God that I was supposed to do something. At first, I thought there was no possible way that this could happen. If people had asked me then, which was over a year and a half ago, if this particular thing was possible I would have said no way. But God was persistent. And as this feeling came onto my heart to follow what I felt God was telling me to do, I proceeded with what I see now was the next step in the journey. I went through Breakthrough.
I’ve written about my experience with Breakthrough before and how it changed my life. It is still true today that BT was the single most empowering experience I’ve ever had. I learned that I am a valuable, courageous, trusting, free woman who is beautiful just as I am. I learned how to handle the difficult times a little bit better. I learned how to love and be loved. The Nancy that had shackled her heart and soul broke free and a beautiful being emerged.
In the year plus since that experience, I’ve continued to grow and learn. Sometimes the road has been so rocky and rutted that I didn’t think I could possibly go on. Other times the ruts gave way to a nice smooth surface and I glided along with the wind blowing in my hair feeling the freedom that had become my gift. Yet the insistence that I pursue something more continued. As I began to share a tiny bit about what was on my heart, some people started asking… was it a possibility? Still, my answer was no, I don’t think so.
As time wore on and BT became an experience of the past, the passion in my heart became stronger. The answer to the question became I don’t know… maybe. God kept giving me the same message over and over in different ways. Sometimes I wondered if I was hearing it right. Other times I wondered if it was what God wanted at all, perhaps it wasn’t Him telling me, maybe it was something I selfishly wanted. But most often I was positively sure that this was coming from a place that I couldn’t fully explain. That although I didn’t understand the reasons, and that sometimes it seemed like an absolute impossibility, I had to continue to move towards this thing God was calling me to do.
At some point in time (quite recently in fact), after much soul searching, some very trying times, gut wrenching pain and many, many tears the answer molded into a yes… it is a possibility. Still, very few knew what I had been struggling with. It was not something I was ready or comfortable sharing just yet. Those very few that I dared to let in were not only people I felt safe sharing my secret with, but also people who didn’t know my story and therefore would not judge. They were people who would understand the story from this end, rather from the beginning where others might not be in agreement.
I was excited and anticipating what wonderful things could come of this new answer I had finally reached. But God knew even as my answer changed, I was still not ready. I had some very valuable lessons to learn yet. First I had to overcome some things in my life that I had chosen to deal with by not dealing with them. I thought if I ignored them hard enough, they just wouldn’t exist. Don’t think about it and it won’t be so. For years I ignored. And when these situations were brought to my attention from time to time, I bristled at the mere mention of them. It was apparent to those close to me that certain things were not to be talked about around me. If they were brought up, they could expect a retort with an underlying tone of disgust and unfounded judgment as my wall of ignorance by choice was pierced.
God, in his wonderful way, knew that I had to face this head on. He doesn’t beat around the bush and the way in which he chose to open my eyes was pretty harsh. I was put in a situation that was very difficult to handle. A situation that I had no control over. A situation that took me uncomfortably away from my comfort zone and into uncharted territory. Like a caged animal I desperately tried to find a way out. I clawed here, dug there, cried out for help and eventually succumbed to the fact that there was no way out. I could only go through the fire. I could only trust… those on the other side, those whose prayers were with me, those who stood by me as I struggled, and God, who had orchestrated the whole darn thing from the beginning.
As I surrendered to the process an amazing, amazing thing happened. Not only was I able to look the situation in the face but I was able to fully embrace it and actually see the value in it. There it was, right in front of me and as I let go of the bitterness and replaced it with love, my soul was set free, again. Healing happened. Spirits were lifted and a peace came about me that I had not previously known. I knew then that even if my yes, it is possible never came to be, I would be ok. I would still, and always will, be the valuable, courageous, trusting, free woman I had found in Breakthrough.
But the story continues. This thing that God was leading me to was not just my quest alone. You see, I believe that God wants my family together again. Just like I couldn’t save my marriage all by myself, I can’t put my family back together all by myself. Unlike when my family fell apart, all of us now have God in our lives and there has been much healing, forgiveness and growth. God has shown us how valuable we are. Not only have I experienced the gift of Breakthrough, but now Bill has finished two of four sessions. A light shines in him now that he snuffed out long ago. Our journey has just begun. There is hope and a new beginning where there was once only dust and broken dreams.
We can’t possibly know how the story will end. All we can do is trust and follow the road we believe God is leading us down. There will be potholes and perhaps even deep ruts but we have the tools to work through those times and many people to turn to for medicine and help. We will take our time, enjoying the beauty along the way. We will pray. We will walk, together, with God, one step at a time. We will play. And we will be loved. No matter what happens, we will always be His children. Valued, forgiven, courageous, deserving, trusting, joyful, free! And loved deeper than we can ever imagine!
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