Tough Day

It's been a tough day! I wasn't prepared to hear the message Gary spoke this morning. He talked about how men are warriors at heart and they should fight for a cause, whether it be their wives, children, family, church, etc. etc. I sat there listening, my heart remembering all the times that I was the enemy instead of the enemy being the enemy, including now. My heart broke because he never fought that fight for me. My heart broke because he wasn't there to hear the message. Instead he believes that the church he once attended is giving out "wrong" messages and has expressed to his kids that he doesn't believe they will learn what they need to learn there. Funny, I don't ever remember him sitting in on their classes so that he would know exactly what they were learning.

Last night I took 6 teenagers to World's of Fun. I wanted to have fun with them. I wanted it to just be a time to forget. But instead I remembered that last Halloween time, we went to WOF together several times as a family. And now I was there alone and I couldn't help but be very sad. Knowing that he had gone just the week before with "socks" (that's my new nickname for her) and the boys. Replaced me with a taller, skinnier, blonder version. How do you not feel that sick feeling that she is with YOUR family.... YOUR kids.... YOUR husband?

How do you stop loving?

How do you let go?

One thing Gary said this morning stuck like glue. And it is exactly what I've been trying my hardest to do. And that is to not focus on the problem because it will only lead to feeling overwhelmed by it. But instead keep your eyes focused on God. God is BIGGER THAN the problem. It's still not going to be easy, but HE is my ONLY way out of this. So I will continue to keep my eyes focused on him. Through the grief, through the pain, through the times of rejoicing, through it all... HE is all I need!