Broken. Shattered like fine glass, shards scattered in a million different directions. How did I get here? I worked so hard to glue myself back together. So hard…years and years of soul searching, gathering pieces, matching them carefully, rearranging where the pieces just wouldn’t fit anymore. Some pieces never found, a few holes here and there. But not bad considering. Did I not glue it right? Perhaps I used the wrong kind of glue? It broke so easily. So violently, so completely. So quickly.
When you are laying on the floor and you can’t do anything… ANYTHING… but sob, where do you go? When you repeat senseless words over and over to keep from losing complete control, where do you go? When you don’t have the strength to reach out to God’s waiting hand, where do you go? What do you do? When all you can do is clutch His word to your chest, curled up in a fetal position, tears flowing freely for hours, how do you get up? When you are finally forced to get up because of life’s responsibilities, how do you hold it together? How do you hide?
All I have to do is reach and grab his hand. Hello! He’s holding me. He’s laying right here with me. His tears match mine, drop for drop. Even at the bottom, He is here. Even with the pieces scattered and the hopelessness that threatens to choke me out, He is here. If I just grab his hand, will the pain go away? If I just walk beside him, will I feel so alone? Why do I feel so alone? Why is the pain so all consuming?
I want to scream how unfair it is. I’ve tried so hard. I’ve given so much. And yet here I am at the bottom, fighting my way up AGAIN! AGAIN! AGAIN! What is wrong with me? Why do I fall so hard? So far? So painfully?
I don’t know how to let go. I just don’t. I am so broken Lord. Please, just fix me. I can’t do it. I can’t find the pieces. They’re strewn everywhere Lord. You see them. I can’t do it. I can’t do it. Please, Lord, please, just do it for me. Just let me let you do it for me. It’s been too long Lord. I’ve been through too much. Loved him too much. Show me the way out. Let me find a way out of the pain and the misery. Help me to find a way to live solely for you. You promised me that You are all I need. Help me to believe that.
Let me feel you Lord. Peace. I need peace and rest. Just for tonight. And then we’ll work on tomorrow when it comes.
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