New Developments

Since I wrote my story, I've had many, many positive comments from friends. You all give me glimpses of light in this awful, low point in my life. If it wasn't for all the people who love me and most of all for God's love and the way he Has held me through this, I'm not sure I would be here right now. What I am choosing to try and concentrate on is praising God for any little glimpse of light I see and even praise him for the hurt. Because I know I will grow. I know he has GREAT things for me.

I've already been affirmed that I did the right thing by posting my story and sharing my heart. I've had a few people contact me confidentially to say that they identified with my story and were or had been in a similar relationship. It is so important for these beautiful women to know that they aren't alone, that it's not their fault, that it's not about them.

Turning your back and walking away isn't easy. As a matter of fact it's the most heart wrenching, difficult thing in the world to do. You wanted so much for this person. You wanted to believe so much that God could and was changing their heart. And you know what, He was. I saw the changes in Bill. But something happened. I don't know what, I suppose Satan does have a lot to do with it. But I can't let my heart be blown to bits anymore, not that I really had a choice in the matter, but it's time to move on.

I met Alicia over the weekend. God set up a sequence of events, nothing that I could have possibly orchestrated myself. First I got a trip to take Life Church to the Old Settler's Parade. Then, just like that, she was there. I knew who she was as soon as I saw her. My boys had given me a brief description. I debated whether to talk to her. I sat in the bus and prayed about it. And then I went and introduced myself. We talked for awhile and I learned that not only had there been more lies than I knew about, but that he had lied to her and he had asked my boys to lie to me.

Honestly, she is a very personable lady. She is attractive, and she wears her spirit and love for the Lord outwardly and openly. I could totally understand why he fell so hard for her. But for some reason that I don't think any of us can truly understand he felt the need to deceive us all and didn't think twice about doing it. I think he really thought he was going to get away with it.

During the parade I debated whether or not I should send her my story. I knew I had already hurt her by some of the truths I had exposed but do you let someone fall later by experience or do you atleast warn them ahead of time and let them determine what they want to do? A dilemna for sure. Not to mention that not only was I taking the risk of looking like the bitter ex wife, but Bill was REALLY, REALLY going to hate me for it and possibly take it out on the boys.

Chris, who walked in the parade and was supposed to go with Alicia afterwards, rode back to Life Church on the bus with me. I was able to confirm at that time that his dad had in fact told him not to tell me that Alicia had gone to Arkansas with them. Chris was getting punished by his dad that day for lying about doing his homework the weekend before. I had a problem with the fact that his dad was punishing him for lying and telling him to lie at the same time. What is a child to think???

Anyway, I asked Alicia if I could send her my story. I warned her that it would hurt. But she wanted me to send it. In the meantime, Bill was on his way to Life Church with Jesse after Jesse's soccer game. I heard from Jesse (later, all volunteered information, I didn't have to ask a thing) that Bill was talking to Alicia on the phone and found out that I had talked to her. He said he got so mad that he threw his phone at the windshield and actually cracked his windshield. I'm thankful it didn't break as Jesse could have been hurt.

Chris spewed all this information out as soon as he got home Sunday. Bill came and got him at Life Church, just told him to get in the car and drove off. As soon as they got home, Bill called his ex girlfriend and invited her and the girls over. He spent some time talking to Christy about Alicia (apparently, she didn't know about her either?) and then Chris said he left for hours and left the boys there with Christy and her girls. When he got back they all went to Christy's house and had dinner and set off fireworks.

Sometime during the day, Chris asked Christy why she hadn't accepted his friend invitation on FB so she did right then and there. Chris told me his dad was reading my story that evening and he was really mad about it. So I'm not sure if Christy saw it on FB or Alicia sent it to him. I am assuming Christy saw it and then showed it to Bill. (Luckily Chris has not read it, he said it was too long and he didn't want to waste his time).

Anyway, when they went home from Christy's that evening, he had a talk with Chris and Jesse, and wanted them to tell him whether or not they thought he should stay with Alicia since she didn't like the fact that Christy was there. Little much to put on a 9 and 12 year old, you think?

So next morning, Chris was in the shower and he heard Bill yelling at Alicia on the phone. He was yelling I don't have to keep my voice down and was very angry. They actually came to church at ICCC... I had been told they were going to another church. The service was awesome! I mean, written for me!!! (And probably many others in the congregation as well). I encourage you to listen to it on the podcast or watch the video when it is uploaded. The website is http://www.indiancreek.org/ If you look on the right side of the home page there is a media tab. You can click audio for the podcast or video. The name of the message was called GooseBumps.

It was one of those services that I hung on to every word. Parts of it brought sobs, but it was just what I needed to hear. God is good! During the response time I went to the front to pray and all I could do was kneel down and sob to God. Purging the hurt out through my tears. I got up and found I couldn't even go back to my seat so I just collapsed into a chair. Jim Lee, who is an older pastor and could be my dad, sat down beside me and I experienced Jesus through Jim when he took me in his arms and held me and just let me cry. He cried with me and I knew it was God crying with me. Because he loves me that much.

They boys came home early Sunday, both of them coming in angry with their dad because he had come in from mowing, yelled at them to get their stuff picked up and told them he was taking them home right now because he needed to take care of a few things with Alicia. Chris said to me, "Dad sure does get alot of enjoyment out of hurting people, doesn't he?" Wow. Sad. I tried to tell him that his dad was very mixed up right now, but that didn't excuse his behavior and how he had treated the people around him. We talked a little bit about how sometimes people need to hit bottom in order to climb up and out of the pit. When they are "saved" by other people in their life, they are actually hurt because they don't get the chance to grow and learn. Big stuff to understand for a 12 year old. But when do you start to teach your kids about healthy relationships if they don't ever experience it?

I've been guilty of trying to save him. Now it's time to walk away and let him fall if others don't step in to save him. He's done all of this to himself. His choices, his decisions and there are broken bodies strewn all along the path where he has passed.

God will forgive. But he's got to ask for it and mean it. He has to hit rock bottom. And I need to take care of me. I need to nurture my heart back to health. I need to focus on what is most important, my relationship with God and my children. One step at a time, one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Whatever is needed at that particular time.

I want to close with a little story. Friday, I was walking between routes. God and I were talking. I don't know why but I asked God to show me something exciting in the grass. I'm thinking, wouldn't it be cool to find some money or a gem, or a discarded winning lottery ticket? So I'm walking and looking hard in the grass. It's not long before I notice the wildflowers, each beautiful in their own right. I see the grass that has grown high and has those little fuzzy things on the end of it. I see butterflies flying around the flowers. I see the deep green of the grass. I see the trees. Then God says to me, do you see how all of this is intertwined? Do you see how it depends on eachother, needs each other? Wow, yes, I do I say. He says that just like this is intertwined so is my life with my children and even with Bill. He said my children need me and so does Bill even though he doesn't realize it right now. So, I asked him, "What do you want me to do?" And he said "I want you to continue to be you". Wow, what a gift. What a glimpse of light in what has been an incredibly dark time. Simply that is all I need to do, lean on him, talk to him, give it to him, have faith in him and just be me. I am enough!