Minute by Minute

Last night I was at Bunco with my bunco buds. I was fine the whole evening. And then for no reason at all I felt the sadness starting to descend on me. But I was still ok. We were almost done for the evening, actually just had one game left to go. And a friend asked me, "Did you talk to him (Bill) yesterday?" Nothing wrong with that question but the weight of the answer bore down on me like a ton of bricks.

I can't even look at him right now. I can't find forgiveness. I can't acknowledge his presence when he picks up or drops off the boys. I can't speak to him. It's not that I'm angry that I can't, it's just that I can't. The thought of looking in his eyes and letting him see my pain is just not somewhere I can go. The thought of speaking words that make it sound like everything is ok, is just not somewhere I can go. The very words, I forgive you, and I've tried them out a few times, just bring sobs.

That last game of bunco as I felt that weight come crashing down on me I fought every second through that game not to start bawling. It was right there. I didn't want to end the night that way, with me falling apart in front of everybody. Talk about a mood breaker! So it was second by second and minute by minute until I could get out of there and have my own little private cry.

A friend asked me at church on Sunday if I was praying for him. Sometimes I can find the strength for that, but for the most part, that's another place I just can't go right now. So I'm asking you to please step in and help me with that. Pray for him where I can't. I know that many of you prayed for me when I was sick and couldn't pray for myself. I'm asking now that you just open your hearts to the Lord and ask him to help this man be who God intended him to be. Not for me or our relationship or even his relationship with the kids. But because he deserves to know that His father loves him and he deserves to love himself. Just like all the rest of us do.

I had another restless night. Actually last night I woke up around one in the morning when I rolled over. I actually felt myself swimming up from somewhere far, far away. I had a brief recollection of the dream I was in and knew that it wasn't an out of ordinary dream. As I surfaced, I suddenly thought I smelled his cologne. The terror that went through every cell in my body froze me. I was facing away from my side of the bed. My mind was racing, my heart was racing. I just knew he was standing there on the other side of the bed with God knows what planned to do to me. I heard a noise and I flipped over so fast only to find the bedroom empty. I was actually surprised because I had been so sure he was there. The terror that had gripped me slowly released itself and I was able to doze back off. But from there on out I was awake every hour upon the hour and like the night before my dreams were weird and crazy and nonsensical.

Today I've been feeling dizzy all day. I don't know if it's from lack of sleep, or if I've been forgetting to take my antidepressant at night (I know I forgot last night), or if I just have some congestion built up behind my ears. Anyway, prayers are appreciated.

Well, I have about an hour before my next run. I'm going to try and sleep. Thank you to all of you for being there for me.

Blessings.... Nancy